A close friend

[vwaxxed]

Had a close friend of mine that I grew up with pass away this weekend. We weren't blood, but he was like a little brother to me (a couple years younger.) He had gone missing at the beginning of last week and a group of hikers discovered his body this weekend.

He grew up loving the VMAX. His stepdad (who is good friends with with Sean) raced a VMAX when he was growing up and his Mom raced a Fazer. Hell, he's the reason my interest in these bikes grew enough for me to eventually get my own.

We were always wrenching on stuff together, helped each other build our cars back in high school. He lived with me for awhile before he went to basic. Great person all around, always wanting to help his friends. I'm currently trying to track down his old car to see if maybe I can work out a deal to buy it from the current owner.

I grew up without family, so the relationships that I have with my friends are typically a lot stronger than most and im grateful for that. I've lost friends before, but never one this close to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

I feel angry/guilty that things were so bad inside of his mind that he felt the only option he had was to take his own life and I was completely OBLIVIOUS to the situation.

I know it isn't my fault, but I'm just feeling a million different ways about it. I just wanna pick up the phone and call him, but I can't.

I know things take time, but in this moment this sucks a lot. I don't really know what the purpose of me making this post was, but I had to get some of this out and really don't like doing that stuff on social media and what not.

 

[93max]

I'm very sorry for your loss.
A friend of the family's son did something similar when my son was a junior in HS.
They were classmates.
He and his close friend Billy were out all day. Fishing, quading and other things.
His baby brother found him the next morning.
Billy felt the same way you do.
He had no idea.
Try and keep your chin up.

 

[Kronx]

My sincerest condolences.

 

[D-Max2012]

So sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and family.
Thank God you had the good times to remember with your friend.

 

[[email protected]]

Sorry to hear about your friend.

Those left behind from a suicide victim are often at a loss on how to cope.
Ive been there.

Just remember to not blame yourself and not try to make any kind of assumptions because most times, you'll never know the truth.
All the time you spend thinking, wondering, trying to understand...it just eats at you. It doesn't help anything.

Accept it.
Remember them, and honor them in the best way that you can.
That the only thing I've found that works.

 

[ga_max]

Sorry for your loss. Having lost a brother I know the feeling. It will get better, just remember the good times.

 

[Regular Guy]

So sorry for your loss. Remember him at his best and forgive him for what he did at his worst. Honor his memory by taking a ride on the Max. Wind therapy does wonders. A good book to read is Ghost Rider, written by Neil Peart (the drummer for the band Rush). It may help you through this.

Godspeed to you friend.

 

[Traumahawk]

My sincerest condolences.

 

[one2dmax]

2nd friend/family member to commit suicide this year for me. Been luckly I guess for it to never hit our family for a while. Lost a school mate probably 5 years ago. And my brother lost one of his best friends when they were in middle school.

 

[vwaxxed]

2nd friend/family member to commit suicide this year for me. Been luckly I guess for it to never hit our family for a while. Lost a school mate probably 5 years ago. And my brother lost one of his best friends when they were in middle school.

Yeah, it's tough. The worst part for me is knowing how much his mom is hurting right now.

 

[93max]

Yeah, it's tough. The worst part for me is knowing how much his mom is hurting right now.

This is VERY true.
When they do this, they aren't thinking of who they leave behind.

 

[Kronx]

This is VERY true.
When they do this, they aren't thinking of who they leave behind.

I mean no disrespect or not trying to be confrontational, but I do know a little bit about this and while i obviously can't speak for anyone in this thread many do think about who they leave behind. They think about it a lot actually. They just often think those people would be better off if they weren't around. Thoughts like "I know my family will be upset initially, but in the long run they'll be better off without me around." Depression clouds the judgement that way.

I've often see people refer to suicide as a selfish act. I try to get people to imagine depression/suicidal thoughts as a physical pain. And it's a consistent pain, day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. Some days its worse than others. On your good days it's minor... maybe like a sore muscle. On the bad days it's severe, you're in traction and you can't even find the will to move. You try everything to minimize the pain, but nothing works. So they see suicide as a solution to end this permanent pain. They do consider the pain their death may cause others, but they see that as temporary. And so when someone says suicide is selfish they see completely opposite. Asking them to endure their permanent pain so you don't have experience temporary pain is selfish.

Again, depression clouds the judgement that way.

 

[Bill Seward]

I'm sorry for your loss, friends are valuable and losing one hurts. You can't blame yourself for not seeing the signs, sometimes there aren't any obvious ones. A good friend of mine lost his 21 year old son to suicide about 15 years ago. This kid had a great life, loving parents, a lovely girlfriend. To all who knew him, he seemed happy and full of life. His passing devastated us all. I remember at his wake and funeral, everyone expressing shock that he did this, nobody saw the signs.

Depression is a disease just as much as cancer is. Sadly, sometimes it is terminal. We need to somehow figure out how to detect it in people before it takes them over.

You were a good friend. I'm sure you were there for him when he needed you. Don't feel guilt, just remember the good times, and offer anything you can to his family. Be strong.

 

[93max]

Kronx, None taken and I do agree Depression is a disease.
But, If Brandon was thinking of others, I really have to respectfully disagree that he wanted his 10yr old brother who idolized him, to find him the way he did.
Dale is now 17 and I can guarantee that that poor boy sees that image every time he closes his eyes not to mention his mother and grandmother too.
They all lived in the same house.
It just sucks.
I'm not saying your wrong...I just see it in a different way.

 

[sdt354]

My condolences.

 

[Kronx]

Kronx, None taken and I do agree Depression is a disease.
But, If Brandon was thinking of others, I really have to respectfully disagree that he wanted his 10yr old brother who idolized him, to find him the way he did.
Dale is now 17 and I can guarantee that that poor boy sees that image every time he closes his eyes not to mention his mother and grandmother too.
They all lived in the same house.
It just sucks.
I'm not saying your wrong...I just see it in a different way.

I completely understand how you see it in a different way. Point taken. My sincerest condolences for you, Dale, and the rest of your family.

When I lost a cousin who was very close to me he killed himself in hotel bathroom tub. He left a letter of apology and $500 on the bathroom counter for the housekeeping staff. We found his journal in the hotel room. His family gave that journal and most of his other journals to me as keepsakes due to how close we were. He was an artist, a musician, a poet, a writer at heart but programming paid the bills. His journals are works of art. We wrote extensively in them and drew around the words. Sort of like seeing how his mind worked. I read them all and he thought about how killing himself would effect his family a lot and for some time. It spanned a few journals.

He chose a hotel room bathtub because he knew once he died his bowels would empty. He wanted to make clean up as easy as possible. He had thought about going deep into the woods of Yellowstone(his favorite place on earth) and dying there where he had a really good chance of dying and decomposing without anyone ever finding him. But he didn't want the family to be left hanging... wanted them to have closure. He had thought about leaving a note and then going into the woods, but he knew if he was never found his mom would keep hoping he was still alive. He wrote how much it pained him to know how hurt she would be but he wanted her to hear from someone a confirmation he was gone so she could move on. But he also felt bad for whomever at the hotel would find him. That was something he wrote about a few times. He didn't want to be a burden on anyone.

 

[93max]

I completely understand how you see it in a different way. Point taken. My sincerest condolences for you, Dale, and the rest of your family.

When I lost a cousin who was very close to me he killed himself in hotel bathroom tub. He left a letter of apology and $500 on the bathroom counter for the housekeeping staff. We found his journal in the hotel room. His family gave that journal and most of his other journals to me as keepsakes due to how close we were. He was an artist, a musician, a poet, a writer at heart but programming paid the bills. His journals are works of art. We wrote extensively in them and drew around the words. Sort of like seeing how his mind worked. I read them all and he thought about how killing himself would effect his family a lot and for some time. It spanned a few journals.

He chose a hotel room bathtub because he knew once he died his bowels would empty. He wanted to make clean up as easy as possible. He had thought about going deep into the woods of Yellowstone(his favorite place on earth) and dying there where he had a really good chance of dying and decomposing without anyone ever finding him. But he didn't want the family to be left hanging... wanted them to have closure. He had thought about leaving a note and then going into the woods, but he knew if he was never found his mom would keep hoping he was still alive. He wrote how much it pained him to know how hurt she would be but he wanted her to hear from someone a confirmation he was gone so she could move on. But he also felt bad for whomever at the hotel would find him. That was something he wrote about a few times. He didn't want to be a burden on anyone.

Wow, Sorry for your loss also!

This just sux!
Unfortunately, We all know someone on both sides of it.

 

[caseyjones955]

Condolences, its rough to loose a friend this way. Depression is quite powerful and so often its not really known until its to late. Good friends are a rare thing, very sorry for your loss.

 

[twistedmax]

Very sorry for your loss ,

I suffer , and like I told a friend just today . People who suffer don't say anything for a couple reasons. One we don't want people thinking we're " crazy" and two , there's not a fucking thing you or anyone else is gonna do about it when our brain and its twisted reasons decides " it's time"