riders be safe - craigslist rant n rave

[sarchin]

I found this post in the craigslist rant n rave section. I'm not meaning to crack on Harleys here but I did get a couple of laughs out of it...

http://detroit.craigslist.org/okl/rnr/3809679952.html

riders be safe (hondaville)


Harley riders, please check the list 5 times or until it sinks in !Harley Davidson Checklist
1. Comb baseball player goatee and mustache
2. Spend 6+ hours polishing gaudy chrome pieces. Be sure people can read the Live to ride,ride to live statement on gas tank lid.
3. Assure suspension can handle at least 560 pounds of rider
4. Pack cell phone and have tow service numbers programmed.
5. Look in mirror and perfect the I'm a bad ass motherfucker harley riding scowl.
6. Affix tassels from daughters bicycle to handle bars for added gay appearance.
7. Test flashers for when bike breaks down (99% probability)
8. Put on your wrist brace to help carpal tunnel from all of the unnecessary revving
9. Leather pants
10. Gloves
11. Wrap around sunglasses
12. Skull cap (German soldier type for the real badasses). Remember to think about the SAFETY aspect/argument of loud pipes as putting that potato chip on head. The real tough guys here will wear a bandana over their face (some with a skull) to look really scary----ooooh!
13. CAT work boots (new)
14. Leather vest with some chapter like: North chapter of pig fucking obese attention whore douche bags with fat ugly loud mouth wives.
15. HD t-shirt (of course). Because everyone needs to know what shop you paid $40 for a $5 hanes shirt at.
16. Remove baffles from pipes so EVERYONE can hear you going 18mph in 2nd gear at redline. Note: Most HD break down before hitting 2nd gear.
17. Starbucks gift card: This is usually your hangout--------------how tough.
18. Call friends with similar ridiculous motorcycle (WW2 outdated technology garbage) and pathetic store bought image (gay pirate from the Castro) attire. Have them ATTEMPT to meet you at the starbucks without breaking down or crashing due to being distracted from looking at themselves in their chrome.
19. Five packs of Marlboro reds to smoke while riding to look extra cool
20. Slam a 6 pack of Zima prior to ride.
21. Saddle bags attached to pick up and store broken parts that fall off bike as you ride/push (if you can call it riding without laughing) that hunk of shit down the road.Location: Honda Laughs At Hogs

 

[jwood]

Cute! But all so true!

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

 

[Tex85]

Definitely an entertaining read, going to forward that on to the the HD guys I know.

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk 2

 

[rusty]

I wonder if this is the same guy with the Harley Hater web site. :ummm:http://www.goingfaster.com/angst/main.htm

 

[Bill Seward]

Black Echo - the guy from "Goingfaster.com" is a real hoot! Wish he'd update it a bit more, though. He used to have a "rant from hell" shirt for sale, I've got one..

 

[Bill Seward]

Here's the story about the Rant From Hell: (taken from Goingfaster,com)
THE INFAMOUS RANT FROM HELL- This particular little bit of spirited verbosity was actually screamed at the top of my lungs at a poser Harley rider who pulled up next to me in heavy traffic way back in 1996. I was having a really bad day and this ass clown had decided that it was his personal goal to make my day just a little bit worse. After he revved his engine several times (damn open pipes do wonders for already splitting headaches, especially when they are just five feet away), this retard then proceeded to shout detrimental comment after detrimental comment that ranged from how I was dressed to what colors my bike came from the factory with. When he chose to use the words "gay" and "Power Ranger" in the same sentence in a unique description of how the colors of my bike, leathers, and helmet all coordinated (green, white, and purple), that was, as they say, all she wrote.

I slowly reached up, removed my Ray Ban Aviators, undid the quick release on my HJC helmet, slowly removed the helmet, set the helmet on the gas tank, ran my gloved hand over my close cropped hair, put my Ray Bans back on, and turned my head slowly to stare at the poor son of a bitch. I guess he saw his reflection in the Aviators because he looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a Mack truck and he was totally unprepared for the barrage that I unleashed upon him. The words that I screamed at him, at the top of my lungs, right there in public, are now on the back of this T-shirt. Needless to say I verbally tore this scoggin's head off and shoved what little was left of his ego up his ass sideways right there at the longest red light in eternity.​

I then slowly took off my Ray Bans, put my HJC helmet back on, clicked the quick release strap back together, put my Ray Bans back on through the helmet, and stared straight ahead waiting on the light to change. There was dead silence for what seemed an eternity, then the cheering and cat-calls began. The Rant From Hell was met with applause, whistles, and honks from the motorists around me who had heard what I had told the poor son of a bitch. ​

This was one of the few times that I've actually made a Harley rider cry in public and the dumbass redneck quickly rode off when the light changed, turning down a side street to get away from all the laughing and pointing motorists at the first opportunity.​

Surprisingly, I felt much better after saying all that and the rest of the day wasn't half bad.


Attached is a pic of the Rant on the T-Shirt..... Wonder if Chris still sells them?
​

 

[Tex85]

If only gopro cameras had been around in 96 and he had one equipped.

Fortunately the HD guys I ride with in occasion don't fit the bill of the guy described in that ran. If they did, they would not be guys I ride with.

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk 2

 

[Biker Dash]

One of my personal favorite rants. From Best of Craigslist:

Hey Crackhead

Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

 

[johnblaid]

craigslist tips to prepare to go buy something:

A: carry a lot of guns and ammo.
b. Wear a ballistic vest.
c. bring a friend who has a lot of guns and a ballistic vest.

if you end up in a vacant lot with some construction machinery in it and a couple of guys in a black car and no motorcycle in site. Go ahead and go in but be prepared to kill everyone in the car and everyone hiding behind anything close.

It will be a public service.

Don't look at anything in south Dallas unless you have experience in gun fighting and you have lived through it.

I've gotten in and out several times and I even got a bargain once.

Not for the timid.

 

[Biker Dash]

craigslist tips to prepare to go buy something:

A: carry a lot of guns and ammo.
b. Wear a ballistic vest.
c. bring a friend who has a lot of guns and a ballistic vest.

if you end up in a vacant lot with some construction machinery in it and a couple of guys in a black car and no motorcycle in site. Go ahead and go in but be prepared to kill everyone in the car and everyone hiding behind anything close.

It will be a public service.

Don't look at anything in south Dallas unless you have experience in gun fighting and you have lived through it.

I've gotten in and out several times and I even got a bargain once.

Not for the timid.

That's refreshing to hear, where as I am moving to Dallas within 2 years...

 

[hijacker]

Why all the Zima hate? :ummm:




:biglaugh:

 

[m-cman]

Dallas is a HUGE city. You may never even see South Dallas/Oak Cliff. The only time I go there is to the VA as it is located in Oak Cliff. Dallas has many named neighborhoods that help to tell you how to find places. I lived a while in Buckner Terrace years ago which is in east Dallas. West End and Deep Ellum are trendy places kinda like 6th Street in Austin. Highland Park and University Park (home of SMU) are very rich areas. White Rock has a small lake also called White Rock. It goes on and on. You will love Dallas.

 

[johnblaid]

Good for you. We have a very honest V-Max Theft Ring in the Fort Worth Area.

About once a week, you can get a V-Max for about 900 dollars that "my uncle gave me and he lost the title but it does run." And sometimes it will.

 

[Rusty McNeil]

That's refreshing to hear, where as I am moving to Dallas within 2 years...

I lived in the Duncanville area back in the 80's. nice neighborhood where my house was at but you DID NOT want to leave it at night.