The Joke thread!

[Fire-medic]

In a graduate school class, we had one student who was generally a pain in the butt (PITA). We were in a class w/a hot looking professor, natural blonde, blue eyes, tall & slim, kinda like my old girlfriend K____.

I think the class was talking about birth control, I dunno why, something having to do w/population control and societal costs. The annoying student had been making his presence known that evening.

I raised my hand, and began speaking about the importance of using birth control to keep unwanted children from being born, & how they caused $$$ problems for society as they grew. Costs of AFDC (Aid for Families with Dependent Children), welfare, crime costs to victims if unwanted children turn to crime, law costs (court, police, prisons) when they commit crimes, etc. So I said, ?because of all these reasons, we all need to do whatever we can to prevent unwanted children, You,? I pointed to the PITA student, ?do you use birth control methods to prevent unwanted births?? He said he did. Then I asked him, ?and do you choose a condom as your most-often used method of birth control?? Again he responded in the affirmative.

?What was the serial # on the last condom you used?? I asked him.

He bit, big-time, hook, line, & sinker. ?Uh I dunno,? he said, ?I didn?t have a serial number that I saw.?

?Oh,? I exclaimed, ?so you didn?t have to roll it out far-enough to see it!? I triumphed.

The class started roaring in unison, even the girls were laughing. The teacher couldn?t help herself, she was laughing too. The PITA was beet-red and dared not say anything. The professor said something to re-focus on the subject of discussion and back we went, on-topic.

At mid-class break, several of my fellow students came up to me and thanked me for actually getting the PITA to stop talking for once. It was a great comic interlude.

 

[VMike]

Senior Moments


A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

 

[PDWeyand]

This one is just too good to pass up:


A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her ****** lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

What I want to know every time a good looking guy walks by does his ears quiver :yelrotflmao::yelrotflmao::yelrotflmao:

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Obama on taxes "I won't allow the half of Americans who pay no taxes to bear the burden of the other half who aren't paying their fair share."

 

[PDWeyand]

nine words women use..........

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an ***** and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
------------------------------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started......
------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not
as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started......
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car
as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have ***?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

 

[PDWeyand]

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,
so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are
you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity
either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed.

 

[PDWeyand]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a ***** was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during ***.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during ***.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

[PDWeyand]

Counter Steering:
If you push the left bar, the bike goes left.
If you push the right bar, the bike goes right.
That is, unless you keep pushing the right bar all the way, then you will probably go left while the bike swaps ends.

Crashing:
Remember riding isn't inherently dangerous...crashing is.

The Sidelines:
It's always better to be on the sidelines wishing you were on the track than on the track wishing you were on the sidelines.

Fuel:
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The Rear Wheel:
The rear wheel is just a big fan used to keep the rider cool and his butt relaxed. If in doubt... watch. When it locks up or slides out you can actually see the rider start sweating and pucker marks are left on the seat.

Too Slow:
No one has ever hit something too slow.

Rides:
A 'good' ride is one you can walk away from.
A 'great' ride is one you can walk away from and use the bike again.

Getting Hit:
They can't hit you if you're not there.

Mistakes:
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Traction:
When traction is sparse, the probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of lean. Large angle of lean, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Your Brain:
Never let a motorcycle take you somewhere your brain didn't go five seconds earlier.

Fog:
Stay out of fog. The single red taillight you think is another rider ahead that you can catch, might be the red starboard light of a docked boat.

Parking:
Always try to keep the number of times you park the bike equal to the number of times you've ridden it.

Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

Mirrors:
If all you can see in your mirrors is the direction you were previously traveling intermingled with sparks, and all you can hear is commotion from the passenger riding pillion; things are not at all as they should be.

Other Objects:
In the ongoing battle between objects made of metal, rubber and plastic going dozens of miles per hour, and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for cars, trucks, walls and most animals. Draws don't count.

Judgment:
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

Going Forward:
It's always a good idea to keep the headlight end going forward as much as possible.

Looking:
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Laws:
Remember, gravity and centrifugal force are not just good ideas. They're laws not subject to repeal.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

 

[DakRatFink]

A guy goes into a dentist's office he sits down in the chair and says,
"Doc, you've gotta help me."

"What's the problem?" the dentist asks.

The man replies, "I believe I'm a moth."

Confused, the Dentist pauses a second and asks the patient, "Hmm, well, what made you decide to come here then?"

"I don't know", said the patient "but, the light was on".

 

[PDWeyand]

Government Spending Cuts

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut, so now it's just me an' Leroy."

 

[PDWeyand]

Two Guys in an Elevator

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch *****, testicles weigh 3lbs each, Turner Brown." The small guy just faints and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks "Are you OK?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me what did you say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch *****, my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God!! I thought you said "Turn around."

 

[yankee in texas]

What do you call a Yankee in Texas? Boss....... :biglaugh:

 

[PDWeyand]

Valentines?

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line for a valentine:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[Fire-medic]

Dunno if this one has been on here:

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[[email protected]]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence...

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

 

[Rusty McNeil]

Little Kid goes to his Dad and asks him.

"Dad, were studying some new words in school and I need help, what is the difference between Theoritically and Realistically"

His Dad says,

"Son, I could just tell you but there's a better way that will make you remember it, go to your Mom and also your Sister and ask both of them if they would have *** with a total stranger for a million dollars"

Kid goes and asks his Mom, after she slaps the crap out of him he insists on an answer, says its part of a school project, she hesistates but finally answers yes...
He goes and asks his sister and of course she quickly says yes!!

Kid goes to his Dad and says

" Dad, they both said yes, but I still don't understand, how does it hep me??"

Dad says

"Son, think about it, theoritically we are sitting on a couple million dollars here, realistically we are living with a couple of Whores!"

 

[maleko89]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

 

[Fire-medic]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

True story: "a good friend" was sleeping on the floor at his friend's home and awoke to find a small beetle had decided to explore his ear cavity. Try as he might, he couldn't dislodge the critter. He was getting ready to head to the E.R. when another friend showed-up, heard what was happening, went to the refrigerator, and grabbed a cold Michelob, which he poured into the guy's ear while he was lying on his side w/the affected ear facing up, of course. The effervescing liquid popped that bug right-out, neat as could-be! And, the best part, plenty of beer left! "breakfast of champions!" This happened about 8 am on a Sunday.

 

[Dr.n2o]

Whitney Houston is now 2 weeks sober :biglaugh: