The Joke thread!

[alorio1]

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain
Who inspected his sailors, and afterward told
The first mate that all his men smelled bad from body odor...

The Captain suggested perhaps it would
Help if the sailors would change underwear
Occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir,
I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors
Berth deck and announced, "The Captain
Thinks you guys smell bad and wants you
To change your underwear."
He continued,
"Pittman, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowski,
And Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise
"Change",
But don't count on things smelling any better.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Truck spotted leaving Congress last Wednesday . . .

 

[Biker Dash]

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

E-e-w-w-w-w ! !

 

[hexec]

That bike needs a Mo PAD...

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Hmmmmm . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Now that's funny

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Hate it when that happens

 

[Biker Dash]

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

WD40 ad

 

[alorio1]

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church. When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Houston Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.........

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed.
He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen!

 

[marsmax85]

^ Ain't dat da troof !!

 

[Biker Dash]

 

[alorio1]

Bronze Rat.....

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old sho p owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay .

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now number ed in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward hi m faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Should I . . .

 

[alorio1]

Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
A. I'm going out tonight !

Q . What is the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
A. Your teeth !

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
A. It's Christmas, Eve !

Q. How can a snowman lose weight ?
A. He waits until it gets warmer !

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast ?
A. Snowflakes!

Q: What kind of bird can write ?
A: A PENguin !

Q: What do elves learn in school ?
A: The Elf-abet !

Q: Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
A: The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

Q: What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party ?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow !

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Charlotte, NC is remodeling their stadium, which includes installing a retractable roof, for the 2016 Democratic National Convention and Obama's farewell speech.

 

[likembikem]

This guy was telling a friend of his," When my wife and I have ***, it's boring; same position, same time, same old thing...boring. His friend said "You need to spice things up a little, next time your having ***, roll her over and stick it in the other hole" The first guy said, "No, I don't want to do that and take a chance on having a rug rat!"

 

[adambweird]

Q: Why do you never seen Barbie pregnant?

A: Because Ken comes in a different box!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Science is amazing