The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

[BorgBiker]

Artery??????????..The study of paintings.
Bacteria?????????..Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium??????????.What doctors do when patients die.
Benign??????????.What you be after you be eight
Cesarean Section????A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan??????????.Searching for kitty.
Cauterize?????????Made eye contact with her.
Colic???????????..A sheep dog.
Coma???????????.A punctuation mark.
D & C???????????Where Washington is.
Dilate???????????To live long.
Enema??????????.Not a friend.
Fester??????????..Quicker than someone else.
Fibula???????????A small lie.
Genital??????????.Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series????????.World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail?????????What you hang your coat on.
Impotent?????????Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain????????Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff??????..A doctor?s cane.
Morbid??????????.A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates??????????Cheaper than day rates.
Node???????????.I knew it.
Outpatient????????A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear????????A fatherhood test.
Pelvis???????????Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative?????.A letter carrier.
Recovery Room?????Place to do upholstery.
Rectum??????????Darn near killed him.
Secretion?????????Hiding something.
Seizure??????????Roman emperor.
Tablet???????????A small table.
Terminal Illness?????Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor??????????..Now you have three.
Urine???????????.Opposite of you?re out.
Varicose?????????..Not very far.

 

[BorgBiker]

The young man was quite adamant. He insisted to the surgeon that he wanted to be castrated. The surgeon pointed out that this was a drastic step for a young man to take and strongly urged him to reconsider his request.


?No,? said the young man, ?I have thought long and hard about it, I have read all there is about it and my mind is made up. I must have the operation.?


The operation was duly carried out and when he had recovered from the anaesthetic and was back in the ward he got to talking to the other patients.


?And what are you in here for?? he asked the fellow in the next bed.


?To be circumcised.?


?DAMN, THAT was the word I meant !?

 

[BorgBiker]

The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on patients? medical charts:


1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.


3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.


5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.


7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.


8. The patient refused an autopsy.


9. The patient has no past history of suicides.


10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.


11. Patient?s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.


12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


14. Since she can?t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.


15. She is numb from her toes down.


16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.


17. The skin was moist and dry.


18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.


19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.


20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.


21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.


23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.


27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.


28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.


29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.


30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


33. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.


34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.


35. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.


36. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.


37. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


38. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.


39. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.


40. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

 

[BorgBiker]

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, ?Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.?
But another voice kept reminding him, ?Howard, you are a veterinarian.?




A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation. The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.
2 weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was. The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.
?So why the long face?? asked the doctor.
?Because I don?t get up until 8 o?clock ! ! !? replied the patient.




A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: ?Why are you laughing??
?I was thinking about my own funeral? the man replied.
?What?s so funny about that??
?I?m a gynecologist.?




A 78 year-old man came into the Doctor?s office and complained of being tired. The Doctor asked if he?d done anything unusual lately.
The man said, ?Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20 year old secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday, I met a 19 year old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover?s Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18 year old friend of my granddaughter?s and we ended up making it in the back of my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17 year old twins??
The Doctor said, ?That?s absolutely astonishing. But with all the dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions??
?Of course,? the old geezer replied, ?I game ?em all phony names??




The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it?s true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We?re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That?s right. I?m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You?re an FBI agent?
Agent: That?s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you?re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That?s correct. And make sure you don?t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you?re all FBI agents?
Agent: That?s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That?s right. We?ve been here all day and we?re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you?re all FBI agents?
Agent: That?s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don?t think so.
Click.




?Doc,? said the young man lying down on the couch, ?You?ve got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I?m lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.?
The psychiatrist nodded, ?And what do you do??
?I push them away!?
?I see. And what can I do to help you with this??
The patient implored, ?Please?break my arms!?