The Joke thread!

[KJShover]

Up here during the cold snap, an Al Gore ice sculpture was built.
Here is a picture of it.. GO GLOBAL WARMINGunk:

www.frozengore.com



.

 

[WESLICH]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes, just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."

The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"

"'This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[vmaxride06]

The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(20I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side. ​

Now here are the rules from the male side. ​

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE! ​

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) ​

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us wi th a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, P lease say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But d id you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.​

 

[[email protected]]

The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

The man rules RULE. I just might have to email this one to the wife. ​

 

[Redbone]

The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

The man rules RULE. I just might have to email this one to the wife. ​

I'd be prpared to sleep on the couch, you know, something to drink, popcorn, etc. You also win because tonight as TBS is running "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou".

 

[Bill Kratzenberg]

I'd be prpared to sleep on the couch, you know, something to drink, popcorn, etc. You also win because tonight as TBS is running "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou".

That was great...
I'm printing this out for my wife to read.
You might not see me around for a while, but it will be worth it.

 

[dannymax]

The Man Rules

These are great!!! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[naughtyG]

hmm, now I'm getting divorce maybe I should print these out for future reference..

 

[WESLICH]

I read it to my wife out loud. She wasn't impressed, but I'm not sleeping on the couch tonight either. Probably won't get lucky though. Oh well, it's all good.

 

[maleko89]

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended.

 

[WESLICH]

Always liked Ted. He shoots straight, and says what's on his mind. No beating around the bush.

 

[KJShover]

Some of us, lets call them the more intelligent ones, realize that most things in life can be converted back into numbers and incorporated into mathematical formulas. Others, lets call them the stupid ones, think of numbers as their enemy and are oblivious to the fact that they are swimming in a sea of numbers every day. They manage by avoiding numbers and using subjective language to communicate and to attempt to understand the situations they find themselves in. Its amazing they survive.​

One group will go on to become engineers, scientists, doctors, accountants, reporters and people who sell lottery tickets. The other group will become hippies, healers, soothsayers, politicians and people who buy lottery tickets. I didn't get to where I am today by not figuring these things out. I hope I have not offended anyone but these are, unfortunately, -the facts of life.​

So when one group will say "its cold" the other will say "it's 10 degrees centigrade" When one group will say "I am a bit chubby" the other group might say "I weigh 350 pounds" One group will claim to be "well off and flush with cash" the other will say they have $540 in their wallet and have a net worth of 1.2 million dollars. Some will say "its late" others will say it is 6:15. Well you can see the trend. You may even see an advantage in one approach over the other. ​

There are some areas where we might all agree. If you are on a plane headed for Europe you may just wish that the plane was being navigated there on a specific compass heading and the joker who filled the gas tanks didn't get his litres and gallons mixed up. You may wish that during that heart operation that your doctor monitors your exact heart rate and temperature. You might hope that your bank keeps exact records of your balance to the penny and using the correct plus or minus sign. If are catching a bus you might want to know the exact time now and the exact time the bus arrives. So in summary even if you "hate math" you might admit to situations where exact counts and expressing things with numbers is a good idea. ​

This leads to the subject of Bullshit. For the first time in recorded history I have discovered the mathematical formula for bullshit. It's fiendishly clever, fairly easy to understand and has huge significance! ​

Where A= a quantity and B= a quantity and C=a quantity and BS =Bullshit here is the formula that defines bullshit:​

A+B+C = D

A+B+C+BS=BS

and BS is not equal to D

The significance of this formula is that even when you solve the variables A. B and C once you add BS to it your answer is also BS. Simply adding the bullshit factor completely destroys your ability to solve the equation that would otherwise be represented by the value D. ​

You should also see the danger of employing a bullshit artist in your organization. Whatever he or she touches or produces will be bullshit. Do the math! ​

In the case of say -an ex Prime Minister who is a bullshit artist and who is spinning you a story of how things really happened you can be absolutely sure that the result will be bullshit. If a person is running for President and they are spinning you tales of bullshit say ducking snipers in Bosnia or whatever then their entire campaign is bullshit. If a person runs for Prime Minister and tells you before the election that Canada is in good shape and all will be well and it' s really all bullshit then you begin to see how the formula works. It's a bit of a stinky formula but it works!
Mathematics is something that you can rely on. We now have the formula. I think you will be absolutely amazed at the results when you start using the formula everyday. Have fun with it! I am sure you know somebody that it applies to.​

For those of you who wish to carry on in your research on bullshit and perhaps purchase a nice gift for somebody that would get a kick out of it -or yourself here are some good books on the subject​

 

[hubeerjw]

Hey..... I buy lottery tickets:ummm:

:rofl_200:Good stuff KJ!

 

[vmaxride06]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted
when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, Murphy, I
am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes
to Church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat
during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So,
I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I decided that
I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a
big smile and said, "After I talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya
decided you would rather do without the hat
than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said,
"No, Father, after ya
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I
remembered where I left me hat."

 

[dannymax]

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all.
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies," You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

 

[dannymax]

http://msunderestimated.com/SNLBailoutSkit.wmv

 

[Redbone]

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room

and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,

just pull the plug.'



She got up, unplugged the computer, and dumped out my beer.



She's such a bitch.....

 

[Redbone]

A Woman's Yearly Physical Exam

A woman went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' The woman says.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4", reply's the woman.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5'2'.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was
tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac..

What a bitch!

 

[Redbone]

Here's something to make you feel better.......maybe?:confused2:

 

[dannymax]

This conversation was recorded on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz, while flying from Europe to Dubai .

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am not in Iranian airspace, I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter??. send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defense Radar:??.. (total silence)