The Joke thread!

[jfeagins]

Bomb Jovi

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night in New Orleans

They were called "Bomb Jovi".

They were brilliant.

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim dude started bragging about how he had the entire

Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well, that's when the fight started ..................

 

[alorio1]

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in
economy class gets up and moves to the first class
section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy
class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes
back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
asked him what he said to make her move without
any fuss.


"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto."

 

[jfeagins]

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Hamkaas]

A long story but the end is great !

A man is catching a taxi . . . As he gets into the taxi, the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along exactly when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody"
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday and anniversary too. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them, or take the wrong route. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make them feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife.

 

[jfeagins]

HAHAHA. Didn't see that one coming either!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

My new phone . . .

[FONT=&quot]http://video.weibo.com/show?fid=103...d1230&type=mp4&from=timeline&isappinstalled=0[/FONT]

 

[alorio1]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing....
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain..
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the Postman was dead on their porch.

 

[Traumahawk]

LOL...thats funny.

 

[marsmax85]

:rofl_200:

 

[Lew L]

The Postman always rings twice

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I knew it was something simple . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Hillary's campaign button

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]NEED YOUR HELP...
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary Rodham Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you for your generous contribution. Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee.

P.S. The Committee has raised $2.16 so far since the beginning of this year.
[/FONT]

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

To be fair, I stole this from another forum, but I love it !

 

[jfeagins]

To be fair, I stole this from another forum, but I love it !

Monica again, huh? Go ahead - milk it for all it's worth. :biglaugh::biglaugh:

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Isn't that her job?

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

lol

 

[Lew L]

Hillery probably NEVER did.

 

[Sharky]

So Barak Obama dies and goes to heaven.
After ten years, he asks God if can visit the USA and see how things are. God agrees and sends him back for a visit.
Barak enters a bar in New York and orders a beer.
"So tell me," he asks the bartender. "How are all those international problems?"
"What problems?" the bartender asks.
"You know, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, the Ukraine..."
"It's all sorted," the bartender replies. "It's all peaceful there now and all those places are ours."
"What about Europe and Africa and the Middle East?"
The bartender takes out a small globe of the world and proudly spins it.
"Sir," he says with a smile. "The whole world is ours!"
Barak is overjoyed. he finishes his beer and asks the bartender how much he owes him for the drink.
"That will be one ruble and fifty kopeks," the bartender replies

 

[jfeagins]

old Butch

Old Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an
overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.