Relationship advise

[paulibiker]

I just can't take the daily hate that my wife throws at me any longer. She refuses to get help or for us to go to conselling. I don't want to leave my three kids, but I'm at the end of my rope.

We have a good life, great kids, some money in the bank, safe neighborhood, etc. but she won't/can't see it.

Don't smoke, don't drink, don't gamble, I cook, I clean, and work 52+ hours a week. She works one day a week and is always stressed out.

What do I do? Stay? Leave? Seperate? Divorce? I need to talk to someone.

Thanks for letting me rant and any advise is appreciated.

Paul

 

[NHVmaxpower]

Sorry to hear this Paul. Sounds to me she has it way to easy let her work 52+ hours see how she likes it. It's hard when kids are involved because they are the ones who seem to get hurt . Does she see any problems? Does she think all is well? Can you talk to her about problems? Maybe pack a bag go stay w/ a friend /family for a few days & let her think about how good she has it . Nothing worse than being in a unhappy ,healthy realationship where there is no communication. I feel for you brother & wish you the best. I know this wont help but at least you will get diff opinions

 

[marsmax85]

WHAT about her family members what do they say or see ? Could be depression and not even know it .

 

[sdt354]

WHAT about her family members what do they say or see ? Could be depression and not even know it .

+1 on depression. It may be a clinical issue and nothing to do with anyone else.

 

[Redbone]

I discussed this with a coworker (leaving out any names or where I sourced the "Dr. Laura" scenario from) and we both thought that maybe if you could see a therapist to work through your feelings and possibly how you could work with her to see the issues she is causing you.
I also like the family angle as a way to getting through to her. I would be cautious with this though as they could blow up the situation into a you versus them scenario.

 

[gleno]

How old are the kids?
How long has this been going on?
How long has she been working?

 

[Sweetwilliebrownjr]

The exposure to the bad relationship may well affect the kids worse than separation.

 

[paulibiker]

This has been going on for a long time. She seems fine to her family, I believe she has a very deep hate for me. She complains about every little thing that I do, there has to be more to it.

How do you get someone help when they say you are the problem?

We have two sons (14 and 16 years old) and just adopted a 20 month old girl. She wanted a new house, so we bought a house, she wanted to stay home with the kids, so she went to one day at work, she wanted a new car, so we bought a car, she wanted a little girl, so we adopted. I've tried anything to make her happy, it just isn't working.

 

[sdt354]

pm'd you

 

[mvmccreary]

My advise would be talking but your in an odd spot with "you" being the problem. But I think I would ask/tell her that this is taking a toll on you and you obviously care for your family or you wouldn't have done so much for them and say you can't continue to live like this and give her some examples of consequences of not taking care of this (divorce, seperation etc.). And just flat out ask her if she hates you? I guess the only bad out come is her telling you what you already think.

But if you wanted to avoid all this, hire a therapist to "bump" into her some where and become friends or something, idk, but best of luck to you friend.

 

[gleno]

OK Paul, you need to get some perspective from a third party.

If she doesn't want counselling then you should go and get counselling anyway.

This will give you a fresh perspective on your situation and allow you to figure out what is important and what is not.

It's better to do something rather than nothing especially if it's eating you up.

Take your time. You don't have to make any decisions today.

If your relationship with your kids is good, spend your time there. If it's not, spend your time there.

You would not have posted here if you were not a good person.

Believe in yourself.

Stay with us at the forum. unk:

 

[mckzx9]

You might want to try just you and her getting away for a weekend with no stress and pressure. My wife and I have been married 17 years and together 22. We have a date night every Saturday for about 15 years now and that is awesome. We have been together since we were 16. We don't have a perfect marriage we argue like everyone but that's normal. What's not normal is you feel hated. That's not good. But I would definitely do everything you can 1 last time to work it out. With that I mean give her the option to work it out because from the sound of it you are trying very hard but 1 person trying is not enough.
I really hope she comes to her senses and meets you halfway.
I give you a lot of credit for putting it out there. It sounds like she is a lucky woman and just can't see that right now. Good luck my friend. Sometimes nice guys finish last

 

[[email protected]]

Have you ever sat down with her and said the things that you've stated here? Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her that you really don't want to continue being married if you can't have a meaningful relationship with her. Ask for her input. Let her know that you are willing to try and make things work but she has to be willing to try just as hard.

Marriage is like JB Weld. You need equal parts to make it work. If it isn't an equal mix or either tube is corrupt, things will fall apart.

 

[NHVmaxpower]

Paul I been thinking is it possible she can be having an affair?? These days women are smooth & us guys are blind . I've seen it many times w/ friends & my brother. Just a thought

 

[customizedcreationz]

Things are always tough without both sides of the story.

This deep hate you think she has, have you done anything to make that deep hate in the past?

My buddy was a girl rogue when he dated his wife in high school and out of high school. He cheated on her when they were not married and very young. To this day she accuses him of stupid things like this. They have been married for almost 30 years if not longer. She is pretty mean to him at times. So something he did 30 years ago still haunts him today. They have a child who is about 16 or so now. If it was me I couldnt do it. I would have left. But he didn't.

So here is my 2 cents...

Get help for yourself like mentioned. Just talking to a third party will relieve some pressure off you. When you ask her about seeing a counselor, is it a serious conversation? Does she take it seriously? Or does she fluff it off?

How do the kids feel? Do they know whats going on? Have you talked to them about this? It might be of interest to get their perspective on the situation. They are old enough that you don't have to baby them with whats going on. They probably already know whats going on and you might be surprised.

Dealing with someone that doesn't want to make it better is almost a sure sign that no matter what you do, it will do nothing. In fact you seeing a counselor might make her even more hateful to you. Who knows. But you have to do what you have to do to make yourself happy. Because if your not happy, than you can't fully expect anyone else around you to be happy either. Including your kids.

The best thing you might do is get a divorce. Its not what people want to hear, but honestly it be.

Good luck!

Todd

 

[Traumahawk]

+1 on depression. It may be a clinical issue and nothing to do with anyone else.

+1....my last wife was bipolar, and was dx with clinical depression. Unfortunately she didnt like her meds because of how she felt.

Strictly my opinion...you might be better getting divorced, if she has problems, and wont get them fixed for the sake of the marriage.

 

[diggerzmound]

All it takes is communication to decide exactly what both of you want for an outcome. Getting away together may be the trick, or getting someone to assist the communication, it doesn't have to be a counselor, maybe a friend you can both confide in.

Relationships get stagnant, you have to ask each other what your goals and expectations are. Take the time to share with one another what you appreciate about one another, and then talk about the not so fun stuff.

 

[paulibiker]

THANKS for all the input guys, I really appreciate it.


I have been very CLEAR on how I feel, she has heard everything I stated here and more. Told her many times that "I'm at the end of my rope". She doesn't seem to care, I think she's a good person just not to me.

She does bring stuff up from 20 years ago, but it's usually things like "do you remember when you said XYZ to me". Never cheated in any relationship that I've been in. Quit drinking a couple before I meet her. :ummm:

Does insurance pay for conselling?

 

[paulibiker]

I don't want to come across as being perfect, I'm far from it. But I just don't see that I've done something that bad to be hated so much.

 

[Biker Dash]

Pauli, Having been through bad relationships myself, including two marriages that ended in divorce, I can fully relate. If you need someone to talk to, I am more than willing to listen. If you have Skype, you can add me there if you like. Just look for animeusmc. (Just let me know in the add request who you are and from where you know me so I know whom it is I am accepting, if you choose to do so.)