Relationship advise

[one2dmax]

many work places have counceling assitance or hot lines. You can go yourself as has been mentioned. I was in a very similar situation not too many years ago (5 or 6 I want to say) and did not want a divorce either. At the end of the day we did split our ways and it's actually been better for both of us (though she did ask to get back together a few years later which was too late by then).

I could tell she wanted to go do her partying and other stuff she thought she needed to do. So, i told her I would take the kids - let her have visitations (technically joint custody) - and not have her pay any child support. We argued a bit about it and I told her that we could spend all the money we had, all the money our parents had, and we wouldn't get any better off in the long run. She "saw the light" and we've been working it out ever since.

Happily remarried and working on the last child with this new wife. I still get along with her and the kids still go see her (which they don't always like but I require it).

Your older kids are old enough to chose who/where they want to live with. The adopted child doesn't have that option.

Talking with Family isn't a bad idea but you don't want to make it appear you're ganging up on her.

 

[06VMAXIMUS]

Tough situation for sure Paul. Most insurance companies pay for counseling, and a quick call to yours will let you know. It's good therapy to talk to a person who is willing to listen, and most will give you advice if you ask for it. Hang in there Bro!

 

[ZackDaniels]

http://www.dbsalliance.org/

Find a caregiver session near you. Talk about what you do and don't like and get some info on what it might be.

It's free and will get you started in the right direction. If you suspect this is something like depression or bipolar they'll give you some insight. If it's not then it still feels good to talk about this shit sometimes.

 

[tmosel]

Paul,
A few years ago, I was where you are now. All I can tell you is that you'll have to do what's best for you and your kids, and only you can determine what that is. If your wife is unwilling to commit to counseling or anything that will help your relationship, you will be in a corner with no alternatives. Take the good advice that you are getting here and do whatever is best for you and your kids. Personal counseling can help regardless of your outcome.
Good luck,
Thomas

 

[Ecarlp]

I lived in a hostile marriage for a lot of years , my wife was miserable and like you i provided everything she could want and finally ended in divorce. The best thing that ever happened although I would not wish going through it on my worst enemies . I am now happily married and my life is so much better. You do not have to be a punching bag for depression, think about divorce , sometimes it is the only right thing to do. Most importantly don,t pack a bag until you seek legal counsel, it will definitely bite you in the ass. Also the kids will be better off if there is no arguing and insanity taking place, kids are tough.

 

[Rusty McNeil]

You do not have to be a punching bag for depression,

Best advice I've seen all day. Having compassion for someone doesn't mean you should destroy your life.

I would also say not to "threaten" divorce unless you've already decided you REALLY want one. Some women's pride will quickly cause that threat to lead to divorce even if they don't really want one....

 

[customizedcreationz]

Man thats what I love about this forum. People helping people from totally different spectrums of the world.

Pauli good luck !

Todd

 

[poppop]

Every situation is different for everyone.I just sincerely wish you the best.My first wife had me at the end of my rope,Screaming hollering,Pissed all the time,I told her to just keep it up And end up with a ass busting!So she said if you think your man enough,You try it!So I tryed it and suceded.I busted her ass,She was great for about 6 months.I give her one of those behind the woodshead ass bustings.With my hand not anything else.Dont go Giving your wife a spanking,This was over 30 years ago.Take care my friend,Wish you well.

 

[Rusty McNeil]

Every situation is different for everyone.I just sincerely wish you the best.My first wife had me at the end of my rope,Screaming hollering,Pissed all the time,I told her to just keep it up And end up with a ass busting!So she said if you think your man enough,You try it!So I tryed it and suceded.I busted her ass,She was great for about 6 months.I give her one of those behind the woodshead ass bustings.With my hand not anything else.Dont go Giving your wife a spanking,This was over 30 years ago.Take care my friend,Wish you well.

Haha, I think I read this story on Literotica.com!!

All jesting aside, and no offense intended, growing a pair and laying down the law sometimes works. Just have to tread VERY carefully in this area.

Living your life walking on eggshells because someone "might throw a fit" is no way to live.

I call it the craziest person in the room theory, any social gathering that includes someone unbalanced, inevitably will let that person "rule the room" in the fear that if they don't let them have their way, that person will make a scene and make everyone uncomfortable. The only way to alter that is to be willing to "weather the storm" that occurs when that persons will is opposed.

The only way to oppose it is consistently, rationally, and always proving that's its not for selfish reasons.

I think its key to rationally analyze where the power really is and who really stands to lose on a situation.. 99% of divorce threats from women are mere bluff, they rarely stand to gain from a divorce after all the dust settles, they are counting on the fear of turmoil , change and inconvenience that all men have to get their way


Some women are like kids, they act out, are unruly, and are really just begging to have some rules and parameters set for them. I mean sincerely wanting those parameters set.

I know there is a lot of psychology behind that statement that might say more about me than my wife but sometimes its a truth that can't be avoided.

Some wive's do crave a man that makes some rules, even if the wife would never ever admit that truth. Its an implied trust situation as well. They have to know your actions are in their best interests and not some other motive.

They spend countless hours reading romance novels that exemplify Neanderthal level attitudes concerning the man they love and the control he exerts. But ultimately its always in the best interests of the family, not the individual.

This (in my opinion) is not the cart leading the horse, those writers are playing to an audiences inherent needs, not brainwashing an audience into believing something they don't already think, even if it is a subconscious thought only.

That's not cruel or insensitive in my book, its just pointing out reality of who should have the power (properly wielded)

Not wielding any power at all and operating on appeasement alone only turns you into a doormat and causes them to lose all respect for you..Merely seeing you as weak and not worthy of respect
...google Neville Chamberlain for a good example.

I will say that the attitude I express comes with a HEAVY burden of responsibility, implying the trust that your actions and decisions are for the good of the family and not done for some other reason; Otherwise its just mental abuse.

Properly wielded power only proves your beneficence to the family you love. and if done right they will KNOW that.

Its a patriarchal thing.
Its for sure an old school 1950's thing.
But it worked for 100's of years.

On the other hand I would have no clue how to alter an overly lopsided existing power balance back to the way it should be, my father always said "start out like you intend to proceed"

 

[SpecOps13]

I have a friend in the exact or almost exact same place. Sounds like your wife has a hormone imbalance which can be normal for women at various ages. There doesn't seem to be much anyone can do except, time usually brings them through it..

My first wife had this happen at 29. Took everything I had during the divorce. She later woke up and decided she'd made a huge mistake. I'd seen her for what she really has though and moved on. Been very happily married for 31 years now and shes become a miserable POS. My boys both turned out OK. One moved in with my second wife and I after a number of years.

Sometimes, moving in another direction is what needs to be done for self protection and for the children.


Good Luck................

 

[98Redlne]

A slightly different spin on the great advise that has been given thus far. Having already been to that rodeo I will toss a couple of things out there.

1) If you happen to be one of the second amendment loving types, get any weapons out of the house...NOW. Take them to a trusted friend, co-worker, or some other place where they can be safely locked up and kept away from both you and her. Have them sign and date a receipt stating everything you dropped off. Seal it in an envelope and tuck it away. If things go sideways a quick call to the local PD can have you slapped with a PFA (Protection From Abuse) order and the local LE will come in an collect all of your firearms. It is significantly worse if you are accused of threatening with one of those firearms (this is where the sealed, signed and dated receipt comes in).

2) It sounds like the situation is already in dire straights. You need to protect yourself from a legal aspect. I don't care if you have every intention of staying in your marriage, you owe it to yourself and your kids to ensure that you get good legal advise for some of the "in the event of...." type things. These things can and do happen very quickly and a rash move by you, even if it seems like the logical thing to do, can have some very long lasting legal repercussions.
When I go out riding, I never leave with the intention of getting into an accident but I darn sure wear my helmet...just in case.

3) Go get that counseling that everybody above has been talking about. If you belong to a church, try your minister, priest, rabbi, whatever. If they can't help directly they will probably be able to point you in the right direction.

4) Keep your kids out of it. This issue is with Mom and Dad, there is no need to give them more information than they absolutely need to know. If they ask a specific question, give a specific answer but they don't need to hear you elaborate on and on about how things suck right now. Also never talk negatively about your spouse to them, always take the high road. It is a bitter pill to swallow but I assure you that someday you will thank yourself for having the restraint.


Best of luck and God bless

 

[Lew L]

+1
Good advice given

Good luck,
Lew

 

[Kronx]

I realize I'm new to the forums, but I'm 43, was married for 10 years, had two kids, and got divorced a few years back(2007). It was a marriage I stayed in far too long because I didn't want to give up. I too suggested counseling, she too refused.

Turns out she was having an affair. Had for a while. And let me tell you, it was sort of like watching that movie Sixth Sense.... when the affair was revealed to me it hit me like a truck. It was there in front of my face the entire time.

After my divorce, my ex wife finally came completely clean with me. She had apparently been carrying quite a bit of guilt about it so she wanted to come clean and wanted to get back together, but was too late for that in my mind. What I found out was she would get angry at me for the smallest reasons, because it kept me at bay... kept me at a distance... which gave her more room to hide the affair from me. She was also angry at herself because she didn't necessarily like who she was seeing in the mirror. She KNEW she was doing something wrong to a person who didn't deserve it and it was eating at her. But she took it out on me instead of herself. She didn't really want a divorce because she was having her cake and eating it too. She had a good home and all its comforts. Her and her boyfriend had their schedules and routines comfortably set around my work schedule.

It may not be an affair, but I see some similarities to what you're describing and what I experienced. Could be depression, but depression generally effects everyone around the person, not just one person(ie you). The fact that she refuses to seek help or go to counseling with you is sort of big red flag for me.

I can tell you as heartbreaking as divorce seems right now to you, it's does get better. My ex wife and I get along better than we did the last few years of marriage. We have joint 50/50 custody and we made a deal we were going to be civil for the sake of the kids. And it's worked for us. Heck there were times where other parents thought we were still married because we're always at the kids games and functions and are civil to one another.

When I finally decided to get a divorce, I thought it was the end of the world. The times when I didn't have the kids, and my house was empty, it was a tough silence to deal with. Not gonna bullshit about that. And unfortunately I had just moved to St. Louis so I was in a new city with no friends to fill that silence. But it got better. And I have no regrets about the decision to divorce now even though at the time it happened it felt catastrophic.

You sound like you're trying everything you can to work it out, but as the saying goes "it takes two to tango." If she refuses to change or seek help then you've got to focus on your happiness and move on.