Humor

[mikemax04]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[mikemax04]

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I am the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at 80 miles per hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's blonde mane and a big ass. Now she's the Senator from New York."
:rofl_200:

 

[vmx12s]

All I had left to work with was the horse's blonde mane and a big ass. Now she's the Senator from New York."

LMAO Priceless!!!!

 

[vmx12s]

Bounceometer (*NWS* Warning)

http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock.html

 

[mikemax04]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

For all those techies out there, this one's for you.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
a) You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
b) If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
c) If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

:eusa_dance:

 

[mikemax04]

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." :th_love031:

 

[mikemax04]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know how these are used?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either'.

 

[Buster Hymen]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop.Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

 

[-Lee-]

Where's the rake?

http://www.aozing.com/funny/rake_bush4.swf

 

[mikemax04]

The Most Intelligent President

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm Johnny Wilkinson, the best fly-half in British rugby. The English need me; it would be unfair if I died".
So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Graca Machel says "I am the wife of the former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world.?
She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W Bush says" I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. Apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die."
So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger a 10-year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have lived my life as a good person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute."

The boy replies "No problem your Popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag."

 

[mikemax04]

Help from the Wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says 'Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the man's wife says 'Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!'

The wife smiles demurely and says 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth 'Damn it, woman! Keep your mouth shut!'

The officer frowns and says 'And I notice, sir, that you're not wearing your seatbelt. That is a automatic fine.'

The driver says 'Yeah, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear it when driving.'

And as the officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and screams 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks 'Does your husband always talk to you in this way, Ma'am?'

and she says .............

"Only when he has been drinking.'

Stationery ?Stationery Heaven​

 

[mikemax04]

Pope John Paul

​

After getting Pope John Paul?s entire luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for his limo driver!"

​

 

[vmx12s]

First Date

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul,
"You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but
I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the
courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and
taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible," says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

 

[vmx12s]

Something to offend everyone

Some old, some new......

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE:


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?



Juan on Juan




What is a Yankee?



The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.




What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?



The position of the dirt bag




Why is divorce so expensive?



Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?



Doughnuts?




Why is air a lot like sex?



Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any



What do you call a smart blonde?



A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?



Their personalities.




What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?



45 lbs




What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?



45 minutes



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?



Through his chest with a sharp knife.




Why do men want to marry virgins?



They can't stand criticism.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?



After a year, the dog is still excited to see you



What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?



The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?



Because they have cotton balls



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?



A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.




What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?



"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?



Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?



Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?



Breasts don't have eyes.



Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?



He walks around saying "Yo."



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?



Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.




Where does an Irish family go on vacation?



A different bar.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?



They named him "Sum Ting Wong




What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?



A speech impediment.



What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?



They're hiring.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?



A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?



Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



Why is there no Disneyland in China ?



No one's tall enough to go on the good rides




AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST




What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?



A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins' Yallll ain't gonna believe this ****..."

 

[mikemax04]

Re: Something to offend everyone

You got some good ones in there. I was hoping for more participation here than the few who posted thus far. I see you're in the machining trade as I also was. Perhaps we can chit chat about it. I'm making many of my own alterations on the Max with hand tools, a drill press and a welder. It's not like in the old days when all the needed machines and materials were at hand. But hey, retirement is the greatest with one exception, the aging of the body.

 

[markmax]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and
reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

 

[Buster Hymen]

Re: First Date

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul,
"You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but
I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the
courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and
taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible," says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

Bahahaha!..That one is great, never heard it before!

 

[-Lee-]

A lady walks into a LEXUS dealership juat to browse. Suddenly she spots the most beautiful car she has ever seen and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.

Embarassed she looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up now. But as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a smiling salesman.

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication, and acting as though nothing happened she smiles back and asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies "Madame, I am very sorry to say that if you fart just by touching the leather, then you are going to **** when I tell you the price."
:hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

 

[1FK00]

Santa's Check Ride

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when
the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order.

The examiner walks slowly around the sled. He checks the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly
reviews Santa's weight-and-balance calculations for the sled's
enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened
his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for," asked Santa, incredulously.



The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but
you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."

 

[1FK00]

Today's scientific question is:

What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson:
On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a
friends mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?
This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must
never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your
feet, you picked up batches of " electrons, " which are very small objects that
carpet manufactures weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The
electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friends filling, then travel down
to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode!!
But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric light, radios, mixers
ect for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things,
which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.
Then came along the first electrical pioneer, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, who flew a
kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock . This proved that
lightning was powered by the same force as carpets,
but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started
speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, " A penny saved is a
penny earned."
Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
After Franklin came a herd of electrical pioneers whose names have become
part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob
Transformer. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments.
But the greatest electrical pioneer of them all was THOMAS EDISON, who was
a brilliant inventor despite the fact he had little formal education
and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph,
which soon could be found in thousands of American homes,
where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's
greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately
gets it back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again!!!
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same
electricity a thousand times a day and never get caught,
since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937, the
electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since,
which is why they have so much time to apply for rate increases.
Today , thanks to men like EDISON and FRANKILIN, we receive almost
unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the last decade scientists have
developed the laser, an electronic device so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer
2000 yards away, yet so precise that a doctor can use it to perform delicate operations to
the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "VAPORIZE
BULLDOZER" to DELICATE."