The Joke thread!

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Anyone notice that Bruce Jenner never had an auto accident until he became a woman driver? Jus' sayin' . . .

 

[marsmax85]

:rofl_200:

 

[a113ycat]

Anyone notice that Bruce Jenner never had an auto accident until he became a woman driver? Jus' sayin' . . .

That aint right! But it sure is funny!:rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Traumahawk]

Anyone notice that Bruce Jenner never had an auto accident until he became a woman driver? Jus' sayin' . . .

That made me LOL!!!!

 

[98Redlne]

I had heard that the accident stemmed from an issue with the tranny in the vehicle pulling the dune buggy.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Pretty fair comparison . . .

 

[a113ycat]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

 

[a113ycat]

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."

 

[alorio1]

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto, Ontario, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

 

[Traumahawk]

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto, Ontario, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

That made me LOL.

 

[a113ycat]

Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.
The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."

 

[Rollie]

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?
"The Isis group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."


"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blast the **** out of them."

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Speaking of Marines . . .

[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Early one morning an elderly retired Marine yelled to his wife:

“Honey, come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency”

She yelled back:

“Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast!"[/FONT]

 

[jfeagins]

Speaking of Marines . . .

[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Early one morning an elderly retired Marine yelled to his wife:

“Honey, come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency”

She yelled back:

“Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast!"[/FONT]

I've said something similar to this nearly every morning for the last 5-6 years. Shala just rolls her eyes. No graceful way for me to get a new audience for the joke at home. lol

 

[Redbone]

I've said something similar to this nearly every morning for the last 5-6 years. Shala just rolls her eyes. No graceful way for me to get a new audience for the joke at home. lol

Thanks but no thanks Jim, would not want to be potty to that. And to the party of the first part, I'm sorry Shala!

 

[jfeagins]

Thanks but no thanks Jim, would not want to be potty to that. And to the party of the first part, I'm sorry Shala!

LOL. Well............just for YOU, Brian, the next time I take an Obama, I'll make a brief dedication to you as I grab the handle.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Hi Pete.
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.

I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without your knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.

Pete, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbor's text and saw he had another message:
Hi Pete,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi' to ‘Wife’.

Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

8 year old Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher. "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammed returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents,
your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two ******* Arabs."

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Our last 11 presidents in uniform . . . makes ya proud, doesn't it?

 

[tothemax93]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg