The Joke thread!

[dannymax]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well . . .

My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ..

'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride..

When did you graduate?' i asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

fat-assed,

gray-haired,

decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked,

what did you teach???

 

[alorio1]

Tyrone;

Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad, Tyrone.”
One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.
Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.
Well, if you did, then there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama.

 

[alorio1]

Some great advice
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT
>>>
>>> Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
>>> She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in
>>> the White House. She has waited several years for this!!
>>>
>>> FIRST NIGHT
>>> Suddenly!
>>> The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
>>> "How can I best serve my country?"
>>>
>>> Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
>>>
>>> "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
>>>
>>>
>>> SECOND NIGHT
>>> The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...?
>>> Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>>>
>>> Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
>>> "Ohhh! I really really don't want to do that."
>>>
>>>
>>> THIRD NIGHT
>>> On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears...?
>>> says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>>>
>>> Lincoln says,
>>> "Go to the theater."

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Breaking news

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A friend who just returned from a visit to a drugstore in Baltimore
said all that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards...

 

[scuff]

A friend who just returned from a visit to a drugstore in Baltimore
said all that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards...

That took me a minute...... LOL

 

[mvmccreary]

Just went though some stores that got looted in Baltimore.
The only thing left was work boots.

 

[jfeagins]

Just went though some stores that got looted in Baltimore.
The only thing left was work boots & condoms.

Fixed it for you. :biglaugh:

 

[mvmccreary]

Fixed it for you. :biglaugh:

:clapping::clapping::clapping:

 

[Dragmaxster]

Re: The Joke thread!eriously

That took me a minute...... LOL

Seriously?:rofl_200:

 

[alorio1]

Last Will and Testament;

His nurse, his wife, his daughter
> and 2 sons, are with him.
> He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in
> place to record his last wishes and when all is ready he
> begins to speak:
> ..
> "My son, Bernie, I want you
> to take the Mayfair houses."
> "My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in
> the east end."
> "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in
> the CityCentre."
> "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
> buildings on the banks of the river."
>
> The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not
> realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the
> nurse says,
> "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a
> hard-working man to have accumulated all this
> property".
>
> Sarah replies, "Property ? .... The asshole had a paper
> route.”
>

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the 'Wal-Martians' is always good for some comic release.
Besides, I always feel pretty 'normal' after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
But, I digress ... enough of my psychological fixations.....
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked,
"Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." [I thought this was a snappy retort.]
"The War of 1812, huh?" the 'Wal-Martian' queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.
"1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked,
"Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."
(This was beginning to be way too much fun!)
"DUDE! Really?" he exclaimed.
"How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude!!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing!
"That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you... kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen, man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me' look.
"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family, don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.
I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust!
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day, I will go to the DMV -- so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said 'Retirement is boring,' just needs the right kind of cap!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Priceless . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Whatever

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Works for me

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I really want one of these

http://video.weibo.com/show?fid=103...d1230&type=mp4&from=timeline&isappinstalled=0

 

[mvmccreary]

My doctor told me there are three types of bald people in the world. Ones that are bald in the front, ones that are bald in the back, and ones that are bald in both places. He said the ones that are bald in the front think a lot. The ones that are bald in the back are good in bed. And he said the ones that are bald in both spots just think they are good in bed.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Looks OK to me . . .

 

[SpecOps13]

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Chicago Church,
I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about so I sat down
and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and repeated the same thing.
Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon, I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been stolen.

 

[jfeagins]

:biglaugh: