The Joke thread!

[jfeagins]

Little Johnny & Hillary

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary Clinton fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary Clinton fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. . .

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. . . again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Hillary Clinton fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Hillary Clinton?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Hillary Clinton fan."

 

[jfeagins]

Little Johnny & Hillary #2

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in Iowa to talk about the world. Her talk is followed by a Question and Answer session.

One little boy puts up his hand.

Hillary asks him what his name is. “Kenneth,” he replies.

“And what is your question, Kenneth?”

“I have three questions, ma’am:
First, what really happened in Benghazi?
Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And, third, whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?”

At that moment the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton tells the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, “Okay where were we? Oh, that’s right, question and answer time. Who has a question?”

A different boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks what his name is. “Johnny, ma’am.”

“And what is your question, Johnny?”

“I have five questions:
First, what really happened in Benghazi?
Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third, whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, fifth, where’s Kenneth?”

 

[Rollie]

A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes
arthritis?'

The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'


The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food
stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not
American."

He finally sees a woman and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African woman checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.."

 

[SpecOps13]

The difference

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. Trump gave the homeless person his business card and
told him to come to his office for a job. He then took out his wallet and gave $20 to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him
directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Trump's pocket, extracted his wallet and took out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.00.

Now you understand the difference between a Republican and a Democrat !!

Now read the next joke here, Dave






​

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I've graduated . . .

I am a "Seenager" (Senior teenager)



I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the beer store.
I don't have any parents telling me what to do.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.



And I don't have acne.



Life is great!












​

 

[Biker Dash]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked if that was Jesus sitting over there"

The waitress nodded "yes!"

So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
"On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!"

 

[dannymax]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.
One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes
and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”
“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage,
I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house
with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”
Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.
I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”

 

[Dragmaxster]

A guy walks into a bar and gets a bump on his head----:bang head:

 

[jdeitz1979]

MMM, nice one lmfao


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[MtnMax/Magniac]

What difference . . .

 

[Biker Dash]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnetFL4Cc54

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Note to Chinese hackers . . .

Dear Chinese hackers:
Please send us President Obama's birth certificate, college and law school transcripts, and Hillary Clinton's e-mails. Also, please let us know where Obama and Ms. Clinton were and what they were doing during the Benghazi assault. In addition, please send us Lois Lerner's e-mails.
Thanks in advance for the above-requested information.

Sincerely,

The Donald

 

[Traumahawk]

Note to Chinese hackers . . .

Dear Chinese hackers:
Please send us President Obama's birth certificate, college and law school transcripts, and Hillary Clinton's e-mails. Also, please let us know where Obama and Ms. Clinton were and what they were doing during the Benghazi assault. In addition, please send us Lois Lerner's e-mails.
Thanks in advance for the above-requested information.

Sincerely,

The Donald

That made me spit out my coffee. Lol

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[Rollie]

Liberals Are Idiots.

 

[jfeagins]

A duck was brought to the vet's office today...

A duck was brought to the vet's office today...



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested."I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes,turned around and left the room.He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried,"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been$20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[mdfb42]

First lets lay the background of this true story that I did NOT make up:

I went to Hooters with a group of about 10 guys last Friday. My best friend and motorcycle mechanic was telling everyone about my max as he always does because he is in love with the bike and uses it as a marketing point for his shop and everyone was wanting to see pictures etc.

I pulled up a few pics from a bike show my friend took it to on my behalf (and won rightfully so) and showed all the guys and they were impressed as normal with our beast of a machine.

(now begins the joke part)

One friend was there and asked what size engine it had (1200) and if it was stock (stage 7, full muscle exhaust system). After I told him he informed me he wished he still had his sport bike because he would like to race to show how bad his bike could beat mine. I responded along the line of "O Really? What bike did you have?" His response was "A CBR". Now I initially thought along the lines of a 1,000 RR and thought he had a valid point assuming he was talking about a 1/4 mile race. I followed up with "was it stock?" He said "complete stock".

At that point I just starting drinking my water, eating my wings, and talking guns with another buddy thinking no big deal but my best friend has an obsession with the speed and quickness of my max so he valid followed up with the question "Did you have a RR or what?" The response: "No, it's a CBR 600, that Vmax couldn't stand a chance against it." I almost spit out my water.

 

[jfeagins]

First lets lay the background of this true story that I did NOT make up:

I went to Hooters with a group of about 10 guys last Friday. My best friend and motorcycle mechanic was telling everyone about my max as he always does because he is in love with the bike and uses it as a marketing point for his shop and everyone was wanting to see pictures etc.

I pulled up a few pics from a bike show my friend took it to on my behalf (and won rightfully so) and showed all the guys and they were impressed as normal with our beast of a machine.

(now begins the joke part)

One friend was there and asked what size engine it had (1200) and if it was stock (stage 7, full muscle exhaust system). After I told him he informed me he wished he still had his sport bike because he would like to race to show how bad his bike could beat mine. I responded along the line of "O Really? What bike did you have?" His response was "A CBR". Now I initially thought along the lines of a 1,000 RR and thought he had a valid point assuming he was talking about a 1/4 mile race. I followed up with "was it stock?" He said "complete stock".

At that point I just starting drinking my water, eating my wings, and talking guns with another buddy thinking no big deal but my best friend has an obsession with the speed and quickness of my max so he valid followed up with the question "Did you have a RR or what?" The response: "No, it's a CBR 600, that Vmax couldn't stand a chance against it." I almost spit out my water.

If your CBR600 friend knows how to ride, you could get your Vmaxazz handed to you on a proverbial platter. I think those bikes, with a small, skilled rider can almost break into the 10's. Low 11's all day long, I'd think. Others here might chime in with any personal experience they may have on this subject.

I'd hate for this joke to end up ON YOU. ..just sayin'..

 

[mdfb42]

If your CBR600 friend knows how to ride, you could get your Vmaxazz handed to you on a proverbial platter. I think those bikes, with a small, skilled rider can almost break into the 10's. Low 11's all day long, I'd think. Others here might chime in with any personal experience they may have on this subject.

I'd hate for this joke to end up ON YOU. ..just sayin'..

He was speaking strictly in terms of bike capabilities. As in same rider on both bikes. Said 1/8 and 1/4 mile CBR would win by a bunch.

I had an R6 prior to my max. From my experience it's night and day difference going to my max. My insurance dropped but my bike was now twice as quick.

So unless the CBR is that much more of a bike than an R6,i just don't see it possible.

But who knows, I've been wrong twice before.

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