The Joke thread!

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Jenner's dog . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Caitlyn Jenner's fashion debut

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[jfeagins]

:rofl_200:

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Motorcycling togetherness . . . and I have 2 Hondas and a Yamaha !

 

[blaxmax]

Motorcycling togetherness . . . and I have 2 Hondas and a Yamaha !

And how do you compare them?

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Max is sooooo much fun, but the Magna is more comfortable for long rides, and wifey has the GoldWing trike ( I call it her Lexus convertible missing one front wheel).

Actually the reference was to the number of figures beside each make. @ Hondas and a Yamaha adds up to 10 total. Yeah, right, like I could handle that!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

If Caitlyn Jenner goes missing would they put his/her picture on the back of a Half-n-Half container? Just wondering . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."

So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO...."

 

[Biker Dash]

 

[Rollie]

Political history :

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."


So the king hired the donkey.



And so began the practice of hiring ***** to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

​

 

[a113ycat]

TURTLE ON A POST
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while
working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and
his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post
turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself;
he doesn't belong up there;
he doesn't know what to do while
he's up there;
he's elevated beyond his ability to function;
and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Now I understand

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Don't call me Caitlin

 

[Biker Dash]

 

[adambweird]

What do welders and hookers have in common?

Theyll work in any position to make a buck!

 

[a113ycat]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

 

[jfeagins]

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:.......if only.........

 

[jfeagins]

Muslim Book Store

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.”

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.



I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims?"

The clerk said, "F#@k off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

 

[jfeagins]

One smart rabbit

One afternoon, a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose.


"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."


"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"


"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."


So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"


The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"


The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.