The Joke thread!

[Traumahawk]

I've always been told that a vmax will beat a 600 in a quarter mile. The vmax gets off the line quicker and stays ahead....although at the end the 600 is gaining. With a 750......it will be a toss up and comes down to the rider. With the liter bikes the vmax really has no hope. They will come off of the line quicker and just keep gaining.

There is a video of Todd racing a 600 at the strip and soundly beating him.

Sent from my SCH-R890 using Tapatalk

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

But who knows, I've been wrong twice before.

Not me, I thought I was wrong once, but later found that I was mistaken. :rofl_200:

 

[Dragmaxster]

First lets lay the background of this true story that I did NOT make up:

I went to Hooters with a group of about 10 guys last Friday. My best friend and motorcycle mechanic was telling everyone about my max as he always does because he is in love with the bike and uses it as a marketing point for his shop and everyone was wanting to see pictures etc.

I pulled up a few pics from a bike show my friend took it to on my behalf (and won rightfully so) and showed all the guys and they were impressed as normal with our beast of a machine.

(now begins the joke part)

One friend was there and asked what size engine it had (1200) and if it was stock (stage 7, full muscle exhaust system). After I told him he informed me he wished he still had his sport bike because he would like to race to show how bad his bike could beat mine. I responded along the line of "O Really? What bike did you have?" His response was "A CBR". Now I initially thought along the lines of a 1,000 RR and thought he had a valid point assuming he was talking about a 1/4 mile race. I followed up with "was it stock?" He said "complete stock".

At that point I just starting drinking my water, eating my wings, and talking guns with another buddy thinking no big deal but my best friend has an obsession with the speed and quickness of my max so he valid followed up with the question "Did you have a RR or what?" The response: "No, it's a CBR 600, that Vmax couldn't stand a chance against it." I almost spit out my water.

First off What year cbr 600? The 1987 cbr 600 ran a quick 11.7 in the 1/4
The 1999 & 2000 cbr 600 ran 10.7 @130mph
The 1985 -87 Vmax ran 10.8 @125
http://www.motorcyclespecs.co.za/model/yamaha/yamaha_v max 84.htm
http://www.motorcyclespecs.co.za/model/Honda/honda_cbr600f4 99.htm
sorry,no joke.

 

[06VMAXIMUS]

First off What year cbr 600? The 1987 cbr 600 ran a quick 11.7 in the 1/4
The 1999 & 2000 cbr 600 ran 10.7 @130mph
The 1985 -87 Vmax ran 10.8 @125
http://www.motorcyclespecs.co.za/model/yamaha/yamaha_v max 84.htm
http://www.motorcyclespecs.co.za/model/Honda/honda_cbr600f4 99.htm
sorry,no joke.

I would say those times are legit. I had a 99 CBR600 and even though I never took it to the strip, it felt every bit as fast as my Vmax.....maybe even quicker! Wife got sick of sitting on the back of it, so it had to go.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I guess we all have our weaknesses . . .
(Found this on another forum. Probably photoshopped, but I still think it's funny.)

 

[Biker Dash]

First lets lay the background of this true story that I did NOT make up:

I went to Hooters with a group of about 10 guys last Friday. My best friend and motorcycle mechanic was telling everyone about my max as he always does because he is in love with the bike and uses it as a marketing point for his shop and everyone was wanting to see pictures etc.

I pulled up a few pics from a bike show my friend took it to on my behalf (and won rightfully so) and showed all the guys and they were impressed as normal with our beast of a machine.

(now begins the joke part)

One friend was there and asked what size engine it had (1200) and if it was stock (stage 7, full muscle exhaust system). After I told him he informed me he wished he still had his sport bike because he would like to race to show how bad his bike could beat mine. I responded along the line of "O Really? What bike did you have?" His response was "A CBR". Now I initially thought along the lines of a 1,000 RR and thought he had a valid point assuming he was talking about a 1/4 mile race. I followed up with "was it stock?" He said "complete stock".

At that point I just starting drinking my water, eating my wings, and talking guns with another buddy thinking no big deal but my best friend has an obsession with the speed and quickness of my max so he valid followed up with the question "Did you have a RR or what?" The response: "No, it's a CBR 600, that Vmax couldn't stand a chance against it." I almost spit out my water.

Had a similar experience once when I pulled in to Cumberland Farms for my 3rd daily iced coffee of the day, and when I came out, some young guy (early 20's thinking he was some kind of rock star the way he dressed) was admiring Woona.

"How fast is it?" he asked.

Told him that I had gotten her up to about 120 or so a couple times.

He seemed to accept that. Then he proceeded to tell me about this "Yamaha 600 crotch rocket" he used to have. And how it was the fastest bike around and he had ridden it up over 190 (mph).

At that point, I just nodded my head and proceeded to get ready to hit the road.

Eeyup. my getting ready to take off did not stop him from continuing with his BS. "That was the most powerful bike ever made. That six cylinder was a BEAST!"

Ok, I nearly lost it right there. IT WAS A STRUGGLE, but if I had started laughing, Woona would have probably ended up on her side with me under her unable to stop laughing.

Before I left, I had to grab a song. Took me 15 seconds to find it on my iPod and set it to play, before I left his dumb ass. (I kinda wanted to get out of there quick, just in case a case of the dumbs that serious was contagious!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5ZkdHImCuQ

 

[Rollie]

New Sex Study Results :

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

When a dollar was a dollar . . .

 

[dannymax]

IRISH AIRLINES....

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus​ flight from ​Dublin​, the lead flight attendant​ nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

 

[Biker Dash]

A Biker appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have You done anything of particular merit?" asked Saint Peter.

"Well, I can think of one thing," offered the biker. "On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face. Then I ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. Then I kicked over his motorcycle. Then I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of ALL of you!"

Now, Saint Peter obviously impressed, said "Holy Cow... When did this happen?"

"Well, just a couple of minutes ago."

 

[Biker Dash]

LMAO!!!!

 

[Miles Long]

And you thought Chicago was a dangerous place to live......

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago . The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"


"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[dannymax]

Good one Miles!! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[dannymax]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

 

[Buster Hymen]

Catholic humor

The people at Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the
Vatican . After receiving the papal blessing, the Starbucks official
whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared
to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Starbucks man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord ,and it
must not be changed."

The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...We will donate
$500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if
you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he
leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good news
is that the Church will come into $500 million.

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Bread account!

 

[Buster Hymen]

Blow up doll

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

 

[Traumahawk]

BOTH of those are great!!!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.)

Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are counselors available to assist you in adjusting back to the real world.

6. Teaching Math In 2050 (or much sooner)

هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب100 دولار. تكلفة الإنتاج هو80 دولاراً. كيف
الكثيرمن المال ولم؟

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

white privilege ?

 

[jfeagins]

Democrat lottery winner

A democrat buys a lottery ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Little Rock to claim the prize.
The democrat says "I want my $20 million .
To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We will give you a million today , and then you will get the rest spread out over the next 19 years.
The democrat said "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it , I want it".
Again the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest over the next 19 years.
The democrat , furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!!,If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!" You keep the ticket!