The Joke thread!

[alorio1]

Subject: Three Arrivals in Heaven

Subject: Three Arrivals in Heaven


> >
> > Enjoy!!!
> >
> >
> > Subject: Three Arrivals in Heaven with Something in Common
> > >
> > >
> > >All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
> > >to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
> > >who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her
> > >last day of life.
> > >
> > >The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
> > >good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
> > >claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
> > >and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
> > >into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto
the
> > >balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
> > >rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
> > >fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
> > >broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
> > >found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
> > >balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
> > >point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
> > >died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
> > >
> > >The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the
> > >roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
> > >over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
> > >balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
> > >on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
> > >some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
> > >chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
> > >and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but
chuckle
> > >as he directs the man to the next room.
> > >
> > >He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
> > >apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
> > >the fellow in here just before you."
> > >
> > >"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
> > >in this cedar chest....."

 

[ninjaneer]

 

[alorio1]

Read this one fully ..... and then decide in 2012

Read this one fully ..... and then decide in 2012



There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected

his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. ​

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors

would change underwear occasionally.​

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"​

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."​

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with

Schultz."​

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:​

Someone may come along and promise "Change",

but don't count on things smelling any better.:ummm::ummm:​

 

[tmosel]

Teacher: "Use the work 'Definitely' in a sentence."
Dirty Johnny raises his hand.
Teacher: "Yes Johnny."
Dirty Johnny: "Are farts lumpy?"
Teacher: "Johnny! Don't be disgusting! Of course farts aren't lumpy!!!"
Dirty Johnny: "Then I definitely shit my pants."

 

[Blackjack]

Craig's List Posting

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex

 

[Garbilizon]

Here is a busa I can kill:

 

[gamorg02]

Here is a busa I can kill:

not to notice the weird, but whats going on with the guys shoe? almost looks like a photoshop leftover...

 

[Rollie]

The banker saw his old friend Tom , a local rancher , in town. Tom had lost his wife the year before and rumor had it that Tom was marrying a " mail order " bride . Being a good friend , the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was true so the banker then asked the age of his new bride. Tom proudly said , " She'll be twenty-one in November." Now the banker , being the wise man that he was , could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man .

Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy , the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch , knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon .

About six months later , the banker ran into Tom in town again . " How's the new wife ? " , asked the banker . Tom proudly said , " Good , she's pregnant . " The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out , continued , " And how's the hired hand ? " Without hesitating , Tom said , " She's pregnant too . "

Never underestimate old guys . unk:

 

[RaWarrior]

I gotta call photoshop on that picture.

As Garrett noticed, what's up with the guy's shoe? The other one has a weird light spot under it as well.

His left hand is surprisingly blurry given the clarity of the rest of the picture(I think it was originally on a handlebar)

What's the white thing it looks like the guy is looking at? A map?

The overall perspective doesn't look right either....

 

[dannymax]

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the
nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men who kicked the shit out of him.

 

[tonyg-5386]

Subject: South Brooklyn Tony

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."


South Brooklyn Tony ON MATH


South Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.
"
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


South Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH


South Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
& lt; BR>Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, South Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR


South Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

South Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful ban quet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!'"

South Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER


South Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

South Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

South Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business

 

[gamorg02]

epic fail:

http://forums.probetalk.com/showthread.php?t=1701300629

EDIT.

this scares me more:

http://www.zxforums.com/forums/zx-6r-forum/14462-fi-light-need-help.html

 

[Maj Woody]

 

[Maj Woody]

New Drink
The Bin Laden: 2 shots and a spash of water.

 

[Slacker]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger.. In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning, the Indian Chief admits he's impressed..."You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully !!!!"

"FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ..."

"BRING POSSE !!"

 

[Rollie]

The CIA has just released a photo of the alleged informant that turned Osama Bin Ladin in for the $ 25 M in reward money . We should all be thankful to this unsung hero .

 

[Slacker]

Got this in an email today.

 

[[email protected]]

So this guy goes up to this girl and tries to charm her by saying, "Hey, I was going to tell you a joke about my dick.......but it's too long".

The girl replices, " That's Funny...I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy........but you'll never get it".

 

[dannymax]

Kinda like the "Here-after" eh Mike?

Guy sits down beside a cute chick and tries to make some moves on her

"Let me ask you something" she says...."Do you believe in the here-after?

Thinking she was kinda a religious chick and this may be his ticket to success the guy says, "Why yes, I believe very strongly in the here-after"

"That's good" she says, "cause if you're here after what I think you're here after, you'll be here long after I'm gone!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

An Islamic Terrorist is like a Chinook salmon. Life is good ‘til the Seals show up!