The Joke thread!

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Why we need to pay more taxes . . .

http://revolutionarypolitics.tv/video/viewVideo.php?video_id=15915

 

[Kevin S.]

Maybe I don't find that situation funny but why is this in the joke thread?

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Just seems humorous to me that he admits to the fraud of taking the rent subsidy and using it for everything except rent, but sees nothing wrong with it at all. And she is trying to collect reimbursement from him for rent that she never paid. It's in the joke section because we don't have a "Stupid and Ironic" section.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks
him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"


Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.


When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.
Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the F**K happened to Walter?"

 

[bazwell]

A woman bends over to look at a beautiful necklace in a glass cabinet, and farts.
She looks around, and sees that there was no-one near her, and it was only a tiny one. She's in the clear.

A minute later a salesman walks up and asks if he can help her. She says "This is a beautiful necklace! How much is it?"
"I can't tell you" he responds.
"Well, can you get someone who can?" she asks.
He then explains to her. "Lady, you farted when you saw it. You'll s**t yourself if I tell you the price!"

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend;


Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.




Or in short - B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

http://www.kzrider.com/forum/13-bik...y-rider-talking-to-new-rider-about-being-cool

 

[Lew L]

Too funny but too true. We just had " Street Vibrations" here in Reno. Only 2 shooting incidents and 85+ M/C accidents in two days.:ummm:

I avoid these large groups( about 8,000 this year) as though they had the plague.

Lew

 

[gleno]

http://www.kzrider.com/forum/13-bik...y-rider-talking-to-new-rider-about-being-cool

OH Oh. The southpark episodes on Harley **** with excessively noisey exhausts!!!

Now I'm worried. Do Supertrapps with open end caps qualify me as a VMAX ***:surprise:

 

[Thevmaxrider]

Have to pass this one on....


A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?' Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

 

[BIGMO]

LoL! Jim!

 

[dannymax]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps

would you take?"

"******' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

 

[alorio1]

Good one Danny, there is my laugh for today............

 

[Thevmaxrider]

A little more serious, but funny none the less:

When someone complains about America , it is not always as it seems:

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Gen. Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board with fully equiped operating rooms that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained
that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to!!'
You could have heard a pin drop?

 

[alorio1]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts
flipping through photos. They
start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair
when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been
18 '', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started
school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and,
searching for the right words, says . . .


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[alorio1]

A must read for Grandparents. Those who aren't will love it, too.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,
"Do you understand what cooperation is?...... What a team is?"......
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a
pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass" is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.".......

 

[jfeagins]

Have to pass this one on....


A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?' Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

Don't look now Jim, but I think you just had a big, fatwa Jihad hexed upon you. They do that, even for a joke you know - ask Leno or Letterman

 

[Blackjack]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back



home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes


out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."



"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,


the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."




"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favorite


pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then

another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks,

they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"



The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman

swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"



"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to

me sister quite a few times."

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

The problem with Barack Obama jokes:

1. His followers don't think they're funny.
2. The rest of the world doesn't think they're jokes.

 

[dannymax]

--- This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who ****** up your hair?"