The Joke thread!

[Blackjack]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because, Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !"

 

[Blackjack]

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is...



The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

 

[Blackjack]

Motorcycling can put the spark back in your relationship....




Ah, the thrill of the open road....!

Kinda gives new meaning to the term, "haulin' ass."

 

[alorio1]

Subject: Anybody Want A Dog??





Really friendly, laid back, great with kids. I?m giving him away. I no longer want a dog. I bought him to watch the house but since that wasn?t happening, I?m installing an alarm instead. They?re cheaper and more reliable. David is really going to miss him. For those interested in adopting the dog, please send me an email urgently.

A photo of ?Killer? is attached below:

 

[alorio1]

British Harrier Jet Salute


It took a while, but I saw the words
So much for the Brits' so-called "dry" sense of humor.
Harrier jets' flypast over Downing Street in a salute to
fundamentalist Islamic immigrants.
It's good to see the RAF still have a sense of humor.
Look at it closely, shut one eye, lean back and get a good
look.

Look at it from an angle or lean back in your chair, and
squint; squinting works best.
AFTER YOU REALIZE WHAT IT SAYS, YOU WILL ALSO WANT TO SALUTE THEM.

 

[Blackjack]

An old blind cowboy wanders in to an all-girl biker bar my a mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat and the bouncer is a blond girl as well.



I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a 6th degree black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.':rofl_200:

 

[Blackjack]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.


The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
...
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[maleko89]

Presidential Ticket Announcement


Rumor has it that Eric Weiner is going to run for president,
and he has chosen attorney general Holder as his running mate.

Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

eBay Scam

Be careful what you purchase on eBay
Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.

 

[alorio1]

Subject: This is Sooooooo Goooooood
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am ..





While his coffeepot


(MADE IN CHINA)


was perking, he shaved with his


electric razor


(MADE IN HONG KONG)


He put on a


dress shirt


(MADE IN SRI LANKA),


designer jeans


(MADE IN SINGAPORE)


and


tennis shoes


(MADE IN KOREA)


After cooking his breakfast in his new


electric skillet


(MADE IN INDIA)


he sat down with his


calculator


(MADE IN MEXICO)


to see how much he could spend today. After setting his


watch


(MADE IN TAIWAN )


to the radio


(MADE IN INDIA )


he got in his car


(MADE IN GERMANY )


filled it with GAS


(from Saudi Arabia )


and continued his search


for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.


At the end of yet another discouraging


and fruitless day


checking his


Computer


( made in MALAYSIA ),


John decided to relax for a while.


He put on his sandals


(MADE IN BRAZIL ),


poured himself a glass of


wine


(MADE IN FRANCE )


and turned on his


TV


(MADE IN INDONESIA ),


and then wondered why he can't


find a good paying job


in AMERICA


AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT


MADE IN KENYA

 

[BIGMO]

A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

 

[alorio1]

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

 

[Lew L]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Arkansas and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ?Talking Dog For Sale.?


He knocks at the front door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes around to the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

?You talk?? he asks ...

?Yep? replies the Lab.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ?So, what?s your story??

The Lab looks up and says, ?Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.?

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn?t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I?m just retired.?

The guy is amazed. He goes back inside and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

?Ten dollars,? the guy says.

?Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??

?Because he?s a damned liar. He never did any of that shit.?

 

[alorio1]

How often do you suppose this guy gets pulled over?

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out
that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've
seen it all before."Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out." I
said. "My wife thinks my Penis tastes funny."

 

[dannymax]

I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.
Some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home...........well I, for one, have done something about it. The other day I was out for lunch with some friends, and had to much wine.
I did something I've never done before, I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before .

 

[Rollie]

Thats as funny as the iced tea spurting out of my nose when I read it. :clapping::clapping::clapping:

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

THE REAL PROBLEM WITH OUR GOVERNMENTAL SYSTEM. . .

The folks who are getting free shit,
Don't like the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Because the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Can no longer afford to pay for both the free shit and their own shit.

And, The folks who are paying for the free shit,
Want the free shit to stop.
And the folks who are getting the free shit,
Want even MORE free shit on top of the free shit they're getting already!

Now... The people who are forcing people to PAY for the free shit,
Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free shit,
That the people who are PAYING for the free shit,
Are being mean, prejudiced and racist.

So... the people who are GETTING the free shit,
Have been convinced they need to HATE the people who are PAYING for the
free shit because they are selfish. And they are promised more free shit if they
will vote for the people who force the people who pay for the free shit to give them even more
free shit.

And - - - - - that's the Straight Shit!

 

[Rand-5107]

+1 on free shit.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when
dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.