The Joke thread!

[RaWarrior]

Whitney Houston is now 2 weeks sober :biglaugh:

Amy Winehouse has been on the wagon for over 6 months now. Good for her.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Steve Jobs in Heaven . . .

 

[jfeagins]

Drinkin' and ridin'

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and riding.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.


A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
the local Hooters and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home.


Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it
past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
**************

OK, it's a joke, I don't drink. But, I'd really appreciate it if someone would get this bus outa my driveway.

 

[a113ycat]

A duck was swimming in a pond and got thirsty. He didnt want to drink from his toilet so he went to a bar. So...
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Ill have a beer"
The bartender says "We dont serve ducks here youll have to leave"
Well the duck left.
A few minutes later the duck walks into the bar and says "Ill have a beer"
The bartender says "We dont serve ducks here youll have to leave and dont come back"
Well the duck left.
A few minutes later the duck walks into the bar and says "Ill have a beer"
The bartender is getting furious with the duck because it will not stop. So he says " LEAVE BEFORE I START THROWING ROCKS AT YOU!!!!"
Well the duck left.
A few minutes later the duck walks into the bar and says "Hey..Bartender.."
The bartender about looses it "WHAT!!!"
The duck says "Got any rocks?"
"NO" The bartender says
Then the duck says "Ill have a beer then":rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[PDWeyand]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

[Fire-medic]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a nice day sir, and please slow it down!"


Yeah, one I've heard before, but it always makes me chuckle.

 

[BorgBiker]

[FONT=&quot]A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left and went home.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.....

[/FONT]

 

[TxVMax]

A little old lady always wanted to join a biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door.

A big,hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She announces, "I want to join your club."

The biker is ammused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in order to join. He asks "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there," and points to the harley in the driveway.

The biker asks "do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks "do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies "Yep...smoke like a chimmney. At least four packs a day and a couple cigars in the evening when i'm shootin pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "last question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and replies, Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples once or twice".

The biker say's "your in."

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Dr.n2o]

A 6 year old boy goes up to his dad one morning and says "dad, what is the difference between a pussy and a **** ?" the father says well son if you really want to know come with me. He goes to the bedroom where his wife is still sleeping and picks up the sheets and points between her legs..."See that in there son, that's a pussy". The kid says "wow, can I touch it ?" Dad says "absolutely not....you'll wake up the **** !"

 

[PDWeyand]

A lil boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and Dad? " and she replied, "They`re in bed " the lil boy giggled,ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and she replied "They`re still in bed " and the lil boy giggled and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the lil boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied "They`re still up in bed" and the little boy laughed and his grandmother asked Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you laugh! What is going on here? "
The little boy replied, "Well last night dad asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."

 

[davidon]

http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y177/snertspike/?action=view&current=Lottery_winner_interview.mp4

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

There is, finally, conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

LIVING WILL FORM


I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If after a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Check appropriate items): a Martini ______, a Margarita ______, a Scotch and soda ______, a Bloody Mary______, a beer ______, a Gin and Tonic _______, a Glass of Chardonnay ______, a Steak ______, Lobster or crab legs ______, the TV remote control ______, a bowl of ice cream ______, the sports page______, Sex______, or Chocolate_______, it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come and do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature:________________________Date:__________


P.S. I hear that in Ireland there is a Nursing Home with a
Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on.

Amendment #1:
Should I become incapacitated as described above, DO NOT PULL THE PLUG until after I have voted against
Barack Obama by absentee ballot in the November 2012 election.

​

 

[Blurr]

What's the differance between Romney supporters and Obama supporters?

Romney's supporters sign the front of the check. Obama's supporters sign the back of the check.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Here is your advance copy.
[FONT=&quot] 2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte , N.C.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]04:00 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Opening Flag Burning Ceremony ? sponsored by CNN. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:05 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:10 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Pledge of Allegiance to Obama. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:15 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Ceremonial 'I hate America' led by [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Michelle Obama.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:30 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Tips on ?How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world? ? Hillary Clinton. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:45 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar ?How to have a successful career without having a job.? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]05:00 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? ?Great Vacations I?ve Taken on the Taxpayer?s Dime" - Michelle Obama and Administrator of GSA.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]05:30 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]05:45 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Tribute to All 57 States ? Nancy Pelosi.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]06:00 PM ? Sen. Harry Reid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat?s appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the country, improve employment and to boost the economy. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]08:30 PM ? Airing of Grievances by the Clinton's.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]09:00 PM ? ?Bias in Media ? How we can make it work for you? Tutorial ? sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]09:15 PM ? Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO ? Michael Moore. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]09:45 PM ? Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10:00 PM ? Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers - Eric Holder. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10:30 PM ? Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afghanistan[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:00 PM ? Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:15 PM ? Free Governor Blagoyavich rally.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:30 PM ? Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony and Latin Grammy Awards. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:45 PM ? Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish ? Obama Presiding.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:50 PM ? Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris ?He sends a thrill up my leg? Matthews. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:55 PM ? Nomination to put "Chicago" on the ballot to secede and become the 58th state - Rauhm Emmanuel. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]12:01 AM ? Obama[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]12:05 AM ? Celestial Choirs Sing. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]03:00 AM ? Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[VMax-Mike]

?

 

[Fire-medic]

?

Just run your mouse over the copy, the highlight function alone will allow you to read it, or you could just watch the Republican National Convention, and turn the sound up.

 

[Redbone]

Here it is with lighter color text.

2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte , N.C.
[FONT=&quot]04:00 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Opening Flag Burning Ceremony ? sponsored by CNN. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:05 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:10 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Pledge of Allegiance to Obama. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:15 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Ceremonial 'I hate America' led by [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Michelle Obama.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:30 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Tips on ?How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world? ? Hillary Clinton. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]04:45 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar ?How to have a successful career without having a job.? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]05:00 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? ?Great Vacations I?ve Taken on the Taxpayer?s Dime" - Michelle Obama and Administrator of GSA.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]05:30 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]05:45 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ? Tribute to All 57 States ? Nancy Pelosi.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]06:00 PM ? Sen. Harry Reid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat?s appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the country, improve employment and to boost the economy. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]08:30 PM ? Airing of Grievances by the Clinton's.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]09:00 PM ? ?Bias in Media ? How we can make it work for you? Tutorial ? sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]09:15 PM ? Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO ? Michael Moore. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]09:45 PM ? Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10:00 PM ? Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers - Eric Holder. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10:30 PM ? Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afghanistan[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:00 PM ? Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:15 PM ? Free Governor Blagoyavich rally.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:30 PM ? Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony and Latin Grammy Awards. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:45 PM ? Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish ? Obama Presiding.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:50 PM ? Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris ?He sends a thrill up my leg? Matthews. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]11:55 PM ? Nomination to put "Chicago" on the ballot to secede and become the 58th state - Rauhm Emmanuel. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]12:01 AM ? Obama[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]12:05 AM ? Celestial Choirs Sing. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]03:00 AM ? Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech.[/FONT]

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

BBC NEWS[FONT=&quot]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut
by 25% this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent
years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of
virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was
unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General
Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for
much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief
executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers
concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their
demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there
is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight
choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like
cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that
they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland ,
Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would
not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas
anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of
suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish
singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin
looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

[/FONT]

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama , I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco[/FONT]