The Joke thread!

[tothemax93]

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[[email protected]]

The captain of a pirate ship walks into a pub with the ships steering wheel hanging from his testicles.

The bar tender asks, " Doesn't that hurt?"

The pirate captain replies, " Arrghhh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

 

[alorio1]

Abbott & Costello on Unemployment

Abbott & Costello on Unemployment




COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It?s 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that?s 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that?s 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it?s 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that?s 9%?

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE.
Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can?t count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.
You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn?t look for work, can?t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn?t be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you?re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don?t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That?s how Obama gets it to 9%.Otherwise it would be 16%. He doesn?t want you to read about 16% unemployment.
COSTELLO: That would be tough on his reelection..
ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have Obama's supporters stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you?re thinking like the Obama Economy Czar.

COSTELLO: I don?t even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you?re thinking like Obama.

 

[Rollie]

Joe Biden . :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[alorio1]

Obama said he was gonna hire 100,000 new teachers, well he let one in today as a substitute...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7FixvoKBw

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Unconfirmed rumor:

Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.

 

[kiwi JK]

Bound to upset somebody

A 5 year old granddaughter is taken to school by her grandfather every day. One day when he wasnt feeling well his wife took her. That night she told her parents tha the ride to school with Granny was different. "What made it different ?" asked her parents.
"Well Gran and I didnt see a single Tosser ,Blind bastard, Dickhead,Asian prick or Black cunt anywhere on the way to school today."

 

[Bill Seward]

I'm upset because I need to clean the screen AND the keyboard on my laptop! That may not have been P.C., but it WAS funny!!

 

[kiwi JK]

Two nuns riding thru the backstreets of Rome.
The young nun says,"You know, I have never come this way before."

The older nun just nods and replies,"It's the cobblestones."

 

[dannymax]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES
​

​

English I Love You

Spanish Te Amo

French Je T'aime

German Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese Ai Shite Imasu

Italian Ti Amo

Chinese Wo Ai Ni

Swedish Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas,
Oklahoma, Texas,
Louisiana, South Carolina,
Georgia, Tennessee,
Florida, Mississippi ,
Kentucky, North Carolina,
West Virginia, Virginia

Nice Tits, Get in the Truck




​

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Reading Test

Let’s test the way you think:​

Thepenisinhermouth​

Did you read ‘the pen is in her mouth’?



​

Nah, me neither!

 

[ninjaneer]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5 - he never knew what hit him...

 

[Fire-medic]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.''

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV (aids). We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time .'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
________________________________________________
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***
________________________________________________
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, I hope you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
_______________________________________________
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
________________________________________________
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat #### and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
______________________________________________
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your #### wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your #### and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
________________________________________________
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
________________________________________________
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little ####.
Santa

 

[alorio1]

Important note to self:


1. Give up smoking in bed
2. Wear pajamas to bed

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Barack Obama: "Hey Bill, how's Hillary's head?"
Bill Clinton: "Well, she's no Monica."

 

[rebar]

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of
nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the
seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts
out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac
Convention, in Chicago."

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and
she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his
outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this
convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says,
"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I
don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

 

[VMax-Mike]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

 

[VMax-Mike]

'

 

[ZackDaniels]

So I was at the International Motorcycle Show this weekend and I sold my V-max.

Bought a new much better ride. Was nice knowing you guys.