The Joke thread!

[johnblaid]

Three engineers were at a convention discussing God and what He must be like.

The electrical engineer said "God MUST be an electrical engineer...just look at the fantastic way that He combined chemistry and electricity to get neurons and nerves to create so many types and levels of signals when all we are able to do with silicone computers is create a one or a zero."

"No, No, NO" said the mechanical engineer. "God MUST be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the way He got so much power and so much leverage out of such a delicate framework as our skeleton and muscles."

Then a Civil Engineer cut in. "you're both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer."

"I mean....Who but a Civil Engineer would put a primary waste disposal outlet right next to a major recreational area."

 

[Rusty McNeil]

Three engineers were at a convention discussing God and what He must be like.

The electrical engineer said "God MUST be an electrical engineer...just look at the fantastic way that He combined chemistry and electricity to get neurons and nerves to create so many types and levels of signals when all we are able to do with silicone computers is create a one or a zero."

"No, No, NO" said the mechanical engineer. "God MUST be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the way He got so much power and so much leverage out of such a delicate framework as our skeleton and muscles."

Then a Civil Engineer cut in. "you're both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer."

"I mean....Who but a Civil Engineer would put a primary waste disposal outlet right next to a major recreational area."

Old but crap that's still funny as hell!

 

[Fire-medic]

Three engineers were at a convention discussing God and what He must be like.

The electrical engineer said "God MUST be an electrical engineer...just look at the fantastic way that He combined chemistry and electricity to get neurons and nerves to create so many types and levels of signals when all we are able to do with silicone (sic) computers is create a one or a zero."

"No, No, NO" said the mechanical engineer. "God MUST be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the way He got so much power and so much leverage out of such a delicate framework as our skeleton and muscles."

Then a Civil Engineer cut in. "you're both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer."

"I mean....Who but a Civil Engineer would put a primary waste disposal outlet right next to a major recreational area."

Well, let-us not-forget these fun-bags, always welcome at party-time! (attachment):rofl_200:

And an alternative answer to the last (rhetorical) question is a planner for an international development firm, maximizing revenues and utility of space, after forcing through a land use plan amendment and a few zoning code text amendments, along-with the necessary zoning district re-classifications.

 

[johnblaid]

What can I say...I'm old

 

[jedi-]

SETTING YOUR PASSWORD:

COMPUTER: Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

YOU: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

C: No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Y: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

C: Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Y: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

C: No, you must get a new one.

Y: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

C: Sorry, you must get a new one.

Y: OK, roses

C: Sorry you must use more letters.

Y: OK, pretty roses

C: No good, you must use at least one numerical space.

Y: OK, 1 pretty rose

C: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

Y: OK, 1prettyrose

C: Sorry, you must use additional spaces.

Y: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

C: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter..

Y: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

C: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

Y: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

C: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

Y: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

C: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

OK, who hacked into my computer and copied and posted that exchange?

 

[alorio1]

woman victim :


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

[dannymax]

Indian wisdom

 

[Rusty McNeil]

Blonde goes to the doctor and says

"something's is wrong I hurt all over"

Doctor says
"show me"

She pokes her finger on her forearm, her upper arm, her shoulder, and all over the place and says "Ow" each time.

"See? It hurts everywhere I touch!"

Doctor says

"*******, you're finger is broken!"

 

[marsmax85]

Hahaa !!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I think these are jokes, but not sure . . .

 

[Fire-medic]

A 'recent court case:'

Hauled-into court for fornicating with a pumpkin, the defendant's comment, when questioned about his habits, was, "but you see, your Honor, it was after midnight!"

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl-pumpkin-sex.htm

 

[alorio1]

postage stamps

A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

 

[texas-ss-tornado]

This is pretty funny!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6Lb3kFwJRQ

 

[dannymax]

Morris
Schwartz

Morris Schwartz is
on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with nurse, his wife, his
daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says
to them: "Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil,
take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ." "Hymie, I want you to
take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take
all the residential buildings downtown."

the nurse is
just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs.
Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have
accumulated all this property".


Sarah replies,
"Property? The ******* has a paper route!"

 

[dannymax]

Subject: Funny coincidence



In this New Year, 2014, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Discovery Announcement ~ The densest element in the known
Universe has been found!

Pelosium:
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of
the densest element yet known to science. The new element has
been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant
neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 223 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly
interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become
assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading
to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration (critical congressional mass).

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Few more . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Not the bridge, dummy!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A Pilot Father's Love

Most people today think it improper to discipline children,

so I have tried other methods to control kids when they

have had one of 'those moments.' Since I'm a pilot,

one method that I have found very effective

is for me to just take the child for a short flight

during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity

to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines,

or just the time away from any distractions such as TV,

video games, computer, iPod, etc.


Either way, the kid usually calms down and stops misbehaving

after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact

during these sessions is an important element in achieving

the desired results.


I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with a child,

in case you would like to use the technique.