The Joke thread!

[VMax-Mike]

good joke MTNMAX. You are joking right.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

What, you don't think my technique works?

 

[VMax-Mike]

I can remember living in a condo when my kid was 4 and i told him to pick up all his toys and put them away because he had all of them out and my wife was going to be home soon and than i would be in trouble. Well he said no so i went and got a bag and took him over to the window and said do you see all the kids out playing and he said yes and i said I can pick up the toys for you but i will only have to pick them up one time because i will put them in this bag and give them to all the kids you see playing or you can pick them up and put them where they go. He never told me no again.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Too soon?

http://vietnam.craigslist.org/for/4372477162.html

 

[Tex85]

Too soon?

http://vietnam.craigslist.org/for/4372477162.html

That is hilarious! :rofl_200:

Yeah, my sense of humor is a bit twisted.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

How about this one . . .

 

[1st Shirt Maxer]

Here is a little chemistry humor....what to you get when you combine barium, cobalt and nitrogen





Bacon....


David Justiss
USAF First Sergeant
554 RED HORSE Sq, Guam

 

[alorio1]

Larry is in Hospital . . . ...

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Royal Alex Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

 

[Biker Dash]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Liberals conference call

 

[marsmax85]

^ that's just not right ! next thing you know:wkwk:

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Candid photo from the Crimea Open . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

BALL POINT PENS




When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quicklydiscovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.



To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12,000,000,000 (billion) developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.



The Russians just used a pencil.



Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I don't always . . .

 

[jfeagins]

For all my "gun toten" friends............be careful!!

For all my "gun toten" friends............be careful!!

“Gun Control”.... it has already started at Bass Pro Shops. I just wanted to buy some bullets.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

 

[marsmax85]

:rofl_200:

 

[Traumahawk]

LOL...thats good.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

New element . . .

 

[jfeagins]

I think scientists actually added that new element to the chart.

 

[jfeagins]

Little Johnny

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home.

Joey says, "A computer."

The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Jenny says, "A new lawn mower."

The teacher again replies, "That would also be very useful."

Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need anything!"

The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I clearly remember my dad saying; well, that's the last f#@king thing we needed!"