The Joke thread!
- Thread starter Bill Kratzenberg
- Start date
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^^^^ Yep that sum it up right there :rofl_200:
Love it !
Tex85
Well-Known Member
Haha
Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk
Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk
maxcruiser
Well-Known Member
When God sends you help..
A mother hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?!
A mother hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?!
alorio1
Well-Known Member
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.
Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK,
I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."
Attachments
alorio1
Well-Known Member
COPPER COATED MICROCHIP IMPLANT
ALLOWS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician,
who will also make the injection.
No Anesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless.
Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, its not noticeable.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from ..223 to .50 cal.
Please enjoy the security provided for you by the Armed Forces of America.
Best regards,
ALLOWS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician,
who will also make the injection.
No Anesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless.
Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, its not noticeable.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from ..223 to .50 cal.
Please enjoy the security provided for you by the Armed Forces of America.
Best regards,
Attachments
Lew L
Well-Known Member
perfect !!!
Tex85
Well-Known Member
Semper Fi!
Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk
Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk
AMEN one shot one kill or better one shot two kills ...
MtnMax/Magniac
Well-Known Member
MtnMax/Magniac
Well-Known Member
alorio1
Well-Known Member
What a beautiful story - WGN Radio! - Chicago
I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago . People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"
I almost ran off the road.
I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago . People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"
I almost ran off the road.
MtnMax/Magniac
Well-Known Member
[FONT="]A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."
The priest says,
"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
[/FONT]
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."
The priest says,
"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
[/FONT]
MtnMax/Magniac
Well-Known Member
A little Brit humor (humour), the wedding photographer
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713
HEAVEN AND HELL
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
Vote wisely in November 2014
unk:
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
Vote wisely in November 2014
unk:
alorio1
Well-Known Member
Kinda speaks for itself......
Rollie
Well-Known Member
I've torn out my alarm system & resigned from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the center of the back yard.
The local police, FBI and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the center of the back yard.
The local police, FBI and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer
:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:Tex85
Well-Known Member
I've torn out my alarm system & resigned from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the center of the back yard.
The local police, FBI and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer
Love it, lol!
Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk
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