You spelled Saskatchewan right!
The Joke thread!
- Thread starter Bill Kratzenberg
- Start date
Help Support VMAX Forum:
You spelled Saskatchewan right!
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari inAfrica, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts . age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! ******** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts . age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! ******** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
RagingMain
Well-Known Member
Do you fart in bed?
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one
day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one
thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver
and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps
as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back prett y good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
as she asked him what was the matt er.
He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me a nd i
didn't listen to you'.
'what do you mean?' asked his wife.
'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out,
and today it finally happened.'
but by the grace of god, with some vaseline and
two fingers. I think i got most of them back in.'
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one
day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one
thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver
and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps
as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back prett y good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
as she asked him what was the matt er.
He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me a nd i
didn't listen to you'.
'what do you mean?' asked his wife.
'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out,
and today it finally happened.'
but by the grace of god, with some vaseline and
two fingers. I think i got most of them back in.'
lankeeyankee
Well-Known Member
I think I know this guy, I see him all the time while I am at the Broadway Brewhouse eating my Big Mamma Burrito,,, Ohh **** its almost 10 now time to head out for lunch...
Firewrench
Well-Known Member
Hey Lankee, is he the cook?
ALMTY
Well-Known Member
WOMAN's POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a Man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I prey he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh ! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind ?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my best friend.
MAN's POEM
I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with huge ****s
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a **** !
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a Man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I prey he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh ! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind ?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my best friend.
MAN's POEM
I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with huge ****s
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a **** !
![JOYROOM Motorcycle Phone Mount, [1s Auto Lock][100mph Military Anti-Shake] Bike Phone Holder for Bicycle, [10s Quick Install] Handlebar Phone Mount, Compatible with iPhone, Samsung, All Cell Phone](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/5113ZNM8R8L._SL500_.jpg)
![Bike Phone Mount Holder, [Camera Friendly] Motorcycle Phone Mount for Electric Scooter, Mountain, Dirt Bike and Motorcycle - 360° Rotate Suitable for iPhone & Android Smartphones from 4.5-7.0 inches](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51ZirRrsA+L._SL500_.jpg)
![Bovemanx Motorcycle Phone Mount Holder, [150mph Wind Anti-Shake][7.2inch Big Phone Friendly] Bike Phone Holder, Motorcycle Handlebar Cell Phone Clamp, Compatible with iPhone 16 Pro Max Smartphones](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51F+1sontPL._SL500_.jpg)
ALMTY
Well-Known Member
GOLF
Ed stood over his tee shot on the 450yd 18th hole for what seemed to be an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked " What in the world is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Jim explained "I want to make a perfect shot."
His companion explained. " You don't have a chance in HELL of hitting that Bitch from here !"
Ba-dum-pum :clapping::rofl_200:
Ed stood over his tee shot on the 450yd 18th hole for what seemed to be an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked " What in the world is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Jim explained "I want to make a perfect shot."
His companion explained. " You don't have a chance in HELL of hitting that Bitch from here !"
Ba-dum-pum :clapping::rofl_200:
ALMTY
Well-Known Member
A Mexican Joke
Finally, a Mexican joke. And they got the accent right too!
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual tofill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he foundfourpeople who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, anAustralian,and a Mexican.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day
cameandas the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer
asked
'What is the fastest thing you know?'
Steve, the American, replied, 'A THOUGHT. It comes without any
warning; itjust pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that Iknow..''That's very good!' replied the interviewer.
'And now you sir?' he asked Vladimir , the Russian. 'Hmm.... let me
see.Ablink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. ABLINKis the fastest thing I know.' 'Excellent!' said the interviewer.
'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed'
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
Wallthere's a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the
Barncomes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
Fastestthing I can think of.' The interviewer was very impressed with the
Thirdanswer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speedoflight,' he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth and final man, the
Interviewerposed the same question.
Eleuterio replied, 'Pues Apter herring da 3
preybeus ansers sir, et's obeus to me dat the fastest ting is
Diarrhea.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
Weregiggling in their seats...'Oh, I can espleyn sir,' said Eleuterio.
'Yousee,sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling Bad and so I run so fast
to the bathroom, but bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DE LIGHT,
sir, Ihad alreydi shet in my pants!'
Eleuterio is now the new 'Greeter' at Wal-Mart.
Finally, a Mexican joke. And they got the accent right too!
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual tofill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he foundfourpeople who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, anAustralian,and a Mexican.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day
cameandas the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer
asked
'What is the fastest thing you know?'
Steve, the American, replied, 'A THOUGHT. It comes without any
warning; itjust pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that Iknow..''That's very good!' replied the interviewer.
'And now you sir?' he asked Vladimir , the Russian. 'Hmm.... let me
see.Ablink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. ABLINKis the fastest thing I know.' 'Excellent!' said the interviewer.
'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed'
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
Wallthere's a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the
Barncomes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
Fastestthing I can think of.' The interviewer was very impressed with the
Thirdanswer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speedoflight,' he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth and final man, the
Interviewerposed the same question.
Eleuterio replied, 'Pues Apter herring da 3
preybeus ansers sir, et's obeus to me dat the fastest ting is
Diarrhea.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
Weregiggling in their seats...'Oh, I can espleyn sir,' said Eleuterio.
'Yousee,sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling Bad and so I run so fast
to the bathroom, but bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DE LIGHT,
sir, Ihad alreydi shet in my pants!'
Eleuterio is now the new 'Greeter' at Wal-Mart.
Last edited by a moderator:
ALMTY
Well-Known Member
Sorry guys don't know why it went RED ????? Joke is funny though
ALMTY
Well-Known Member
The Banana Test
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're not too sharp are you.
Giraffe = Have you checked if the blood is flowing to your brain.
Squirrel = you're just hopeless.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take
A Beer Brake !
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're not too sharp are you.
Giraffe = Have you checked if the blood is flowing to your brain.
Squirrel = you're just hopeless.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take
A Beer Brake !
vmax190
Well-Known Member
a man comes home with a pig in his arms and says heres that big old hog i was telling you about.
wife says where are you planning on keeping that thing.
man says i wasn't talking to you bitch!!!:biglaugh:
wife says where are you planning on keeping that thing.
man says i wasn't talking to you bitch!!!:biglaugh:
Subject: Rule of THUMB
Body Statisics
(Yeah, yeah we know you were.)
Body Statisics
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- Women reading this will be finished now.
- Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
(Yeah, yeah we know you were.)
tfisher65
Well-Known Member
tfisher65
Well-Known Member
vmax190
Well-Known Member
the best and worst joke i have heard in a long time is that our next leader of our nation is named hussian obama, I CANT ******* BELEIVE IT.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time.'
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time.'
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
gunrunner
Well-Known Member
The missus turned to me the other night and says , "why dont you make love to me like they do in the movies". So i rolled her over and started ******* her in the arse and then just before i came i pulled it out , rolled her back over and came all over her face .
It became pretty obvious that we watch different kinds of movies :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:
It became pretty obvious that we watch different kinds of movies :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:
RagingMain
Well-Known Member
A Teenager wrote:
took my dad to the mall the other day. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response -
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
took my dad to the mall the other day. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response -
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
Similar threads
