The Joke thread!

[KJShover]

A man seeking to join a sheriff's department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

[dannymax]

A man seeking to join a sheriff's department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

I love this one!!! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[KJShover]

This phone prank is too funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPff3LcCMfE

 

[vmaxride06]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when
working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida
Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove
their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in
the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while
he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to
see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to
stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything
back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the
crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.

 

[vmaxride06]

 

[vmaxride06]

St Luke's

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"

 

[KJShover]

THE PHONE CALL

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still
around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times
we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' I was
flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now, ' I
said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last
saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the
challenge'. 'Yeah' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with
a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my
lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls
like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me,
saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I
would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, 'I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!'

So I told her to **** off.

 

[Redbone]

Nordern Meechigan

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.
When they arrive, the Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Meeshigan, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer da chance ta varm up a little bit ya' know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Meeshigan, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere in Meeshigan, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis' nice.
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.
The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Lions yust von da Super Bowl.

 

[Redbone]

UP Survival`


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows,
Northern Michigan is planning to do its own, titled Survivor - Michigan Style.

The contestants will start in Traverse City,
travel over to Kalkaska and on to Grayling.
Then they will head north to Gaylord, Mackinaw City, and Sault Ste. Marie.

From there they will proceed west to Iron Mountain and Copper Harbor.
Then they will go southeast to Escanaba and St. Ignace;
The final leg will be back to Traverse City .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates
and a large bumper sticker that reads:
'I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health.
Republicans suck. Hillary in 2008.
Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.'

The first one that makes it back to Traverse City alive wins.

Good luck to all contestants.

​

 

[Redbone]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing the neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd
jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?' The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ' A short time
later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.
'You finished already?' the husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover , so I gave it two coats -- no extra charge .'
........................................
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. 'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus.

 

[Redbone]

[FONT=&quot]VETERINARY SCHOOL




Vet School
First-year students at Texas A &M's Vet school were attending their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his
finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.
But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow
and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'[/FONT]

 

[Redbone]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice ca me out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

 

[Rusty McNeil]

This phone prank is too funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPff3LcCMfE

I finally watched it,...


No one could possibly be that 'effin stupid and gullible....Right???....I hope???.........?????

 

[KJShover]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.


She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday . . .'


'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[WESLICH]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be m ore attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts . She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest ****s.


Men are like that, you know.

 

[WESLICH]

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to
do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri. He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By
the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

[vmaxride06]

 

[vmaxride06]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

 

[Bill Kratzenberg]

> A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says; "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

> The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!!
So many men dying that way!"

>Confused, he says, "yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

>After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"How many is a Brazilian?"

 

[Bill Kratzenberg]

How can you tell if your ass stinks???