The Joke thread!

[user 773]

A career gynocologist decided to call it quits after years of dealing with malpractice insurance and the stress of medicine. He decided to pursue his childhood dream of being a mechanic and completed the neccessary education.

On the day of his final exam, which consisted of the complete dismantling and reassembly of a motor, he nervously reported to the testing facility. Following the completion of the exam, he waited anxiously for his results...

Upon receiving a score of 150%, he was curious as to why the score was so high and inquired of the examiner as to how it was possiible....

The instructor replied:

You dismantled the motor with great care and organized the parts very well. That was 50% of the grade. You then reassembled the motor to a pristine state in which it ran better than it did originally. This was an additional 50% of the grade.

Having completed both procedures THROUGH THE MUFFLER, I thought you deserved an additional 50%

unk:

 

[vmaxride06]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:





'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:




What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11 Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21 Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[Firewrench]

What's great on pie but not on pussy?



Crust!!

 

[Hatter]

Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders: Don't Wave Back

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.

9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.

8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.

7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.

6. The espresso machine just finished.

5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.

4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.

3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.

2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.

1. Couldn't find the 'auto wave back' button on dashboard.

 

[UnclePhilthy]

What's great on pie but not on pussy?



Crust!!

Anybody in Grants Pass know the difference in parsley and pussy?

Answer: Nobody eats parsley...

Me: Can you tell me the difference between a bigmac and a *******?
She: No!!!
Me: Wanna have lunch later?!

Me: If you woke up one morning with grass stains on your knees, and a
condom hangin' out of your butthole...Would you tell anyone?
She: No!!!!
Me: How 'bout we go campin' this weekend?!

 

[birchwood85]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some **** on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow ****, he began to realize how warm he was.

The **** was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

[forestdaledave]

Hear about the two Blondes who walked into a building? You would think one would have seen it.

What did one Doe say to the other Doe?
"Lets go down to the Elk's Club and blow a couple of Bucks".

Forestdaledave

 

[kaboom]

Two blondes are walking in the woods.....


They come upon some tracks.....

The first blonde says" my husband is a hunter and he taught me all about tracks....These are rabbit tracks!!!!"


The second blonde says"Your husband is an idiot.....now we know why we have to share the venison every year......those are deer tracks!!!!!"


Back and forth they argued........










For hours it seemed........



























They were still arguing.........



























When the train hit them........:biglaugh::rofl_200:














I did not say it was good:confused2:

 

[gbrown]

Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders: Don't Wave Back

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.

9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.

8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.

7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.

6. The espresso machine just finished.

5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.

4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.

3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.

2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.

1. Couldn't find the 'auto wave back' button on dashboard.

I always wondered why they never wave back, that explains it!

 

[maleko89]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting larger. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. It's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy, there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

 

[vmaxride06]

Management
​

*_Lesson 1: _**

*A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. *

*The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. *

*When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. *

*Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' *

*After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. *

*The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. *

*When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' *

*'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. *

*'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' ***_

*Moral of the story: *_**/

/If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. //*
*_
*Lesson 2: *_**

*A priest offered a Nun a lift. *

*She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. *

*The priest nearly had an accident. *

*After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. *

*The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' *

*The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. *
*The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' *

*The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' *

*Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. *

*On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' ***_

*Moral of the story: *_**/
/If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. //*
*_
*Lesson 3: *_**

*A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. *

*They rub it and a Genie comes out. *
*The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' *
*'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' *
*Puff! She's gone. *

*'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in *Hawaii* , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' *

*Puff! He's gone. *

*'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. *
*The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' ***_

*Moral of the story: *_**/
/Always let your boss have the first say. //**_

*Lesson 4 *_**

*An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. *

*A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' *
*The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' *

*So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. ***_

*Moral of the story: *_**/
/To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. //*

*_Lesson 5 _**

*A turkey was chatting with a bull. *

*'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' *
*'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' *

*The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. *

*The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. *

*Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. *

*He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. ***_

*Moral of the story: *_**/
/Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. //**_

*Lesson 6 *_**

*A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. *

*While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. *

*As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of *cow dung*, he began to realize how warm he was. ***

*The dung was actually thawing him out! ***

*He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. *
*A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. *

*Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of *cow dung*, and promptly dug him out and ate him. ***_

*Morals of the story: *_**/
/(1) Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy. /

/(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your /
/friend. /

/(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep /
/your mouth shut! //**/


/THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE//*

 

[Redbone]

NEW from DeWalt

THE 16-D RAPIDFIRE

A new Nail Gun, made by DeWalt, has just been introduced.

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze. You can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,
relax with a cold beer and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.After a fun day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun,the wife will never ask you to build or fix anything again.

 

[Slacker]

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, 'fair' is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy & corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that (Police) Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So, you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women? You're right, we don't. Sign here..."

 

[maleko89]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
roaming around in Mexico ..

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just
served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an
order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only
one serving per day because there is only one bull fight
each morning. If you come early and place your order, we
will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order,
and that evening was served the one and only special
delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his
platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,
Senor...

Sometimes the bull wins.'

 

[dannymax]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Hell, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'​

 

[Jack Butler]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

[Dreamster66]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Hell, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'​

that's funny ****!:rofl_200:

 

[m-cman]

I guess most men fit that description!!!

 

[naughtyG]

YUP - I'm definitely a ***** ;-)

 

[kaboom]

No......I am not a lesbian.....


I worked with a guy who said he was a lesbian trapped in a man's body......


We all kinda' laughed and said "yeah us too":biglaugh:


He is now a she.....and a lesbian......




no....no thanks...nope ...not a lesbian:confused2:



TRUE STORY........NO ****