The Joke thread!

[yukonerdave]

Why women have two hands:

 

[yukonerdave]

Why men have two hands:

 

[vmaxride06]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men when in fact it is the Native American Indian. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen make the best lovers, when actually it's men of Jewish descent who are the best.
"I've discovered the lover with absolutely the best stamina is a Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[Maxxdog]

Why did cavemen drag their women but the hair?












If you drag them by the feet, they fill up with dirt!

 

[KJShover]

DUMBEST ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT

Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $5000.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $50.00
Putting you AND your girlfriend on your fake drivers license = PRICELESS

REMEMBER!!
When making a fake ID, attach a picture of yourself only...
no matter how much you love your girl.

'Counterfeit I.D. of the Week'....

This is the Drivers License from the traffic stop....

 

[Roadracer]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working
girls ' and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears
his friend
shouting out cries of ' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE
.... UGH! ' Here
I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE..... UGH! ' Here I come
again! ONE, TWO, THREE
... UGH! ' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ' How did
it go? ' The
first mutters, ' It was
Embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. '

The second dwarf shook his head. ' You think that's
embarrassing? I
couldn't get on the bed.'

 

[Mr. Pickles]

What is Ed macmahon, Farah Fawcett, Billy Mays, and Michael Jackson getting for christmas?














Patrick Swayze

 

[Lew L]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut and, when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then, a Congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

[Vendetta]

Some funny pics for y'all...

 

[Buster Hymen]

Why I fired my secretary

Why I fired my Secretary.


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..


So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there.... On the couch...



Naked.

 

[Vendetta]

some more pics

 

[vmaxride06]

Skinny Dipping


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..


He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to


watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[kozy]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in.'

 

[dannymax]

LOL!! :wkwk: :rofl_200:

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my
friend the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure
you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it
up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip?
Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You
don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes,
heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all,
they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4
bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a
day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New
teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney,
lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of
this. The same government that just told you that you are too old
for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to
pay any income tax.

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!!

 

[2stangs69-91]

Dont forget all the sex you want(or don't want)........:rofl_200:

 

[KJShover]

Dont forget all the sex you want(or don't want)........:rofl_200:

the prison pin-cushon's motto; "the sex you want you ain't getting and the sex your getting, you don't want."

 

[naughtyG]

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!!

I love it! I already decided to take up heroin at 70, but this one sounds good too lol :rofl_200:

 

[KJShover]

 

[KJShover]

Did you know:

That the words "race car" spelled backward says "race car".

That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move
it to the last, it spells it's past tense "ate".

And.....................

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"**** off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid
producing,violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy
faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat *******, smelly rag head
*******s with you."

How weird is that?