The Joke thread!

[2stangs69-91]

Did you know:

That the words "race car" spelled backward says "race car".

That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move
it to the last, it spells it's past tense "ate".

And.....................

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid
producing,violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy
faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head
bastards with you."

How weird is that?

thats just amazing who new ? :confused2:

 

[dannymax]

Did you know:

That the words "race car" spelled backward says "race car".

That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move
it to the last, it spells it's past tense "ate".

And.....................

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid
producing,violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy
faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head
bastards with you."

How weird is that?

I can't believe I didn't notice that before.....now that you pointed it out to me it's as plain as the balls on a tall dog!! :biglaugh:

A-fucking-mazing!!

 

[dannymax]

Washington, DC -- July 18th, 2009 -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months. It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President's term.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," he noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in a web-cast interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A White House spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama also had never been familiar with the issues.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

The President has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands (except while in Russia) as well as his special smile.

 

[yukonerdave]

[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” [/FONT]
[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica] [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. [/FONT]
[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica] [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“[/FONT]

 

[KJShover]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA,they
decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill thinking that this would appear to be
a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took out $95.00 in taxes!!

 

[Roadracer]

Two peanuts were walking down the street...

One was a salted.

 

[Roadracer]

2 muffins were in an oven,

The first muffin looks at the other & says "Wow, it's getting really hot in here"!

The other muffin turns & stares at the first muffin & says "WOAH, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"

 

[Lew L]

Five surgeons having a chat over a few drinks at the airport:

The first, a San Francisco surgeon, says:
'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Las Angeles surgeon, responds:
'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third, a Denver surgeon, says:
'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth, a Huston surgeon, chimes in:
'You know, I like mechanics... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth, a Reno surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine.
Plus the head and the arse are interchangeable."

 

[davidon]

http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock.html

 

[kozy]

http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock.html

No joke, I sat and played with that site for at LEAST 20 minutes. It was interesting. Small boobs don't bounce much.

 

[[email protected]]

Not really a joke, but I found this amusing

WHY OUR COUNTRY IS IN TROUBLE

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in
trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On
an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke),
who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not
trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is
(FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination
tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D)
from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you
just gotta spread it around.

 

[vmaxride06]

A notable gynecologist once said:
"The best engine in the world is the Vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking tempermental..!"

​

 

[vmaxride06]

Few minutes before Church
​

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even
tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for
all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years...

 

[dannymax]

Subj: Canadian Mounties

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a
Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

"We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your
wife," said one Mountie.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" the anguished husband sobbed.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some
bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which
do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad
news first."

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had twelve
25-pound snow crabs and six good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news,
what's the great news?"

The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.?

 

[vmaxride06]

The school teacher exposed her students to a new experience.

She handed out little candies with holes in them.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

 

[98Redlne]

Two guys were fishing on the bank of a river.

One guy was catching nothing....not even a nibble, while the other guy would hook up each and every time he cast out.

Completely frustrated, the first guy decided to just sit for a few minutes and watch the other guy, figuring he might be able to pick up some pointers or learn some technique that yielded his continuous hook ups.

As each fish was reeled in, the guy would remove the fish from the hook, put it into his bucket then bait the hook again. Each and every time he baited the hook he would sniff the bait first.

Curious, the first fisherman approached him and politely asked what it was he was using for bait, and why did he sniff it each time before putting it on the hook.

"Well, I have a friend who works at the chicken processing plant in town. He collects chicken vaginas for me to use as bait. It's the best bait I have used in my 40 years of fishing. It doesn't matter what I am fishing for, it works great for all fish, any time of the year."

"Ok" says the first guy "But why do you sniff them"

"Every once in awhile my buddy will slip in an asshole"

 

[Dr.n2o]

How does a redneck mother know when her daughter is on the rag ??? Her son's cock smells funny :biglaugh:

 

[richwrench]

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a catfish?


One stinks & has whiskers, and the other one is a fish...

 

[[email protected]]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! ​

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.​

 

[98Redlne]

What is the difference between jam and marmalade?


I can't marmalade my cock down some girl's throat.