The Joke thread!

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This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter


of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in


Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause


of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the


following details will be sufficient...




I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working


alone on the roof of a new six-story building.



When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over


which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.



Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a


barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building


on the sixth floor.



Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out


and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,


holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.



You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh


135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I


proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.



In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now


proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the


fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed


in section 3 of the accident report form.



Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until


the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.



Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able


to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.



At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the


ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight


of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.



I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid


descent, down the side of the building.



In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This


accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several


lacerations of my legs and lower body.



Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel


seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile


of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.



I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in


pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and


let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its


journey back down onto me.



This explains the two broken legs.




I hope this answers your inquiry







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
my wife was asking me about her tits...do you think there to small..no i say...your lying to me she would say....i told her to rub toilet paper on her tits every night for a few minutes....she looks at me and says im serious...i said im serious to ,it worked for your ass
 
Well.......this is the JOKE thread........

I can't think of a bigger one:bang head:
 
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
 
This one is just too good to pass up:


A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
 
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT??'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

.......he, he, he!
 
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT??'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

.......he, he, he!

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED............!! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:
 
Three gorgeous girls in bikinis were walking down the beach and came across this man sitting there who had no arms or legs . The first girl feeling sorry for this bloke asked him if he had ever had a cuddle , no replied the man in which this lovely young lady processed in giving him a cuddle . The second girl who felt sorry for him also asked him have you ever been kissed in which she got down on her knees and gave this guy a along kiss then went on her way . The third girl also feeling sorry for this guy asked him had he ever been ****** in which this guy repied no never . Well you soon will be when the tide comes in then . :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:
 
A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.

The blond cop asked to see the blond's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"







 
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
 
Harley rider pre-ride check off list​

1. Comb baseball player goatee and mustache
2. Spend 6- hours polishing gaudy chrome pieces. Be sure people can read the Live to ride ride to live statement on gas tank lid.
3. Assure suspension can handle at least 560 pounds of rider
4. Pack cell phone and have tow service numbers programmed.
5. Look in mirror and perfect the I'm a bad ass ************ harley riding scowl.
6. Affix tassels from daughters bicycle to handle bars for added gay appearance.
7. Test flashers for when bike breaks down (99% probability)
8. Put on your wrist brace to help carpal tunnel from all of the unnecessary revving
9. Leather pants
10. Gloves
11. Wrap around sunglasses
12. Skull cap (German soldier type for the real badasses). Remember to think about the SAFETY aspect/argument of loud pipes as putting that potato chip on head. The real tough guys here will wear a bandana over their face (some with a skull) to look really scary----ooooh!
13. CAT work boots (new)
14. Leather vest with some chapter like: North chapter of pig ******* obese attention whore douche bags with fat ugly loud mouth wives.
15. HD t-shirt (of course). Because everyone needs to know what shop you paid $40 for a $5 hanes shirt at.
16. Remove baffles from pipes so EVERYONE can hear you going 18mph in 2nd gear at redline. Note: Most HD break down before hitting 2nd gear.
17. Starbucks gift card: This is usually your hangout how tough.
18. Call friends with similar ridiculous motorcycle (WW2 outdated technology garbage) and pathetic store bought image (gay pirate from the Castro) attire. Have them ATTEMPT to meet you at the starbucks without breaking down or crashing due to being distracted from looking at themselves in their chrome.
19. Five packs of Marlboro reds to smoke while riding to look extra cool
20. Slam a 6 pack of Zima prior to ride.
21. Saddle bags attached to pick up and store broken parts that fall off bike as you ride/push (if you can call it riding without laughing) that hunk of **** down the road.
 
Two men walk into the airport. They are both obviously looking for something.
They notice each other and the one guy asks: "hey man, what are YOU looking for?"

The other guy replies "My wife. What are you looking for?"

The guy replies "I'm looking for my wife too...What does yours look like? Maybe I can help find her?"

The guy answers " She's a super model, about 6 feet tall. Blonde. Very well endowed. Wearing a short skirt and a tube top. What does your wife look like? Maybe I can help find her.."

The guy respond " **** her! Let's find YOUR wife!"
 
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