The Joke thread!

[Lew L]

Will I live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

(I just turned 64)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit? :clapping:

 

[2stangs69-91]

lol very nice

 

[Jack Butler]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in and that's when the trouble started.

 

[CaptainKyle]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish.................................49 Adventurous............................Slept with everyone. Athletic...............................No breasts. Average looking........................Mooooooo. Beautiful...............................Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure.....................On medication. Feminist...............................Fat. Free spirit............................Junkie. Friendship first.......................Former sl*t. New-Age................................Body hair in the wrong places. Old-fashioned..........................No BJs. Open-minded............................Desperate. Outgoing...............................Loud and Embarrassing. Professional...........................B*tch. Voluptuous.............................Very Fat. Large frame............................Hugely Fat. Wants Soul mate........................Stalker. WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not! 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is s$x all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have s$x now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have s$x? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have s$x with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have s$x with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have s$x with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have s$x with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

[RaWarrior]

This isn't that funny, but I did find it kinda clever when some smart-ass kid wrote this on his 10th grade logic test back in high school for the bonus. I can't believe I still remember it

Proof that women are evil:

First, it is well known that women require time and money.

eq.1 Women= Time*Money

Also from credit card and cell phone commercials, we know that time is money.

eq.2 Time=Money

Using the Law of Substitution, we can assume that

Women= Money*Money, or eq.3 Women= Money^2

It is also well established that "Money is the root of all evil"

eq.4 Money= sqrt(Evil)

Squaring both sides of eq. 3 and eq 4, we get

Women= Evil



Heheheh. Math humor.

 

[jedi-]

A guy goes into see his local Doctor for a check up.

Doctors says "Listen, I'm going to need a blood sample, urine sample, stool sample and a semen sample"

"That's easy!!" Says the guy. "Just take my underpants!!"
:biglaugh:

 

[davidon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZoI21uoqVM&feature=related

 

[Roadracer]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl Said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
Drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
Toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end

 

[kaboom]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl Said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
Drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
Toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end

Sadly......only funny because it's TRUE:biglaugh:

 

[vmaxride06]

HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END:





http://vili.us/hypno.html

 

[vmaxride06]

How to tell when bananas go bad???

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​

 

[vmaxride06]

Let me see if I understand all this.....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE TURKEY BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON!
BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A DRIVERS LICENSE
A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
WELFARE
FOOD STAMPS
AND, FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense.

 

[82ndCowboy]

Let me see if I understand all this.....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE TURKEY BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON!
BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A DRIVERS LICENSE
A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
WELFARE
FOOD STAMPS
AND, FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense.

eeh hem....


"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

 

[vmaxride06]

eeh hem....


"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Emma Lazarus


Great Poem...
Thanks Robert..

 

[dannymax]

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Emma Lazarus


Great Poem...
Thanks Robert..

Not real up on the huddled masses yearning....and all, but we sure got a shitload of wretched refuse and homeless.....and a pretty good number of tempest -tossed to boot!!

Now it's time to pitch 'em the fuck out and get back to God, The Flag and our Country!!

I'm just saying................!

 

[tothemax93]

Let me see if I understand all this.....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE TURKEY BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON!
BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A DRIVERS LICENSE
A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
WELFARE
FOOD STAMPS
AND, FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense.

I Think the key word in this post is Illegal.
Tim

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

That's not a joke, it's just everyday life in the SSA (Socialist States of America).

 

[Rusty McNeil]

eeh hem....


"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

I think illegal is the operative word here....

Plus, I think that damn statue and quotation was the worst joke ever that the Frenchies could have played on us....

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I went to Walmart and saw they had Obama Xmas ornaments. Aint life a
bitch, suddenly its ok to hang a black guy from a tree!

 

[Lew L]

Just a "What If-----"

What if those islamic terrorists had hi-jacked an extra plane on Sept 11,2001 and flew it into the " Statue of Liberty" ???????????????