The Joke thread!

[dannymax]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[dannymax]

There was a strange looking guy sitting in a bar, had a normal size body but his head was about the size of an apple!

Bartender finally couldn't stand it any longer and says to the guy, "I'm not trying to insult you or anything, but I can't help notice how far out of proportion your head is with the rest of you, what's the deal?"

"Well," the guy says, "I was walking down the beach one day when I came across this old bottle half buried in the sand. I picked it up and was rubbing the sand off when this gorgeous, mostly naked, genie popped out."

"I will grant you one wish," she said!

"Man, it was a no brainer....I had to get into her pants, right then and there, so I told her my wish was to make mad passionate love to her!"

"I'm sorry," she said, "I should have told you, that's the one wish I am unable to grant you."

"Well, OK," I said...."how about a little head!"



.........................."Poof"

 

[dannymax]

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.

The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space.

It is much more difficult to fly there."

 

[kaboom]

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.

The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space.

It is much more difficult to fly there."

Rules to live by!!!!!!!!:rofl_200::biglaugh::rofl_200:

 

[Redbone]

When girls don't put out!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[Redbone]

How to diagnose problems involving beer and its consumption.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
PROBLEM: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SOLUTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
PROBLEM: Improper bladder control.
SOLUTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
PROBLEM: Glass empty.
SOLUTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
PROBLEM: You have fallen over backward.
SOLUTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
PROBLEM: You have fallen forward.
SOLUTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
PROBLEM: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SOLUTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
PROBLEM: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SOLUTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
PROBLEM: You are dancing on the table.
SOLUTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
PROBLEM: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
SOLUTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
PROBLEM: You have been in a fight.
SOLUTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're
in.
PROBLEM: You've wandered into the wrong party.
SOLUTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
PROBLEM: The beer is too weak.
SOLUTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
PROBLEM: Beer is just right.
SYMPTOM: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
PROBLEM: Bar has closed.
SOLUTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
PROBLEM: You are being carried out.
SOLUTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 

[Redbone]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

"The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"


"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."


As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says,
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

[Redbone]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
> One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
> It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
> It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
> "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.
> "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.
> The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
> "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."
> "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
> "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
> 'The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
> The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
> With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
> We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
> "I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
> The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
> Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"
> The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.​

 

[Redbone]

THE OLD POODLE!!!!!!

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old folks...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Baloney and brilliance only come with age and experience!

 

[Redbone]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.

Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

[98Redlne]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her
that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes
washed and dinner cooked.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her
duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal... He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix
himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher

 

[98Redlne]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

 

[bheinz57]

^^^!!!!!

Good one.

Brian

Reminds me of a Curb your Enthusiasm episode about the ....Large vagina!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........ Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male....... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........ Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........ Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male........ A source of entertainment, self expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........ A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[woodsman30]

I have the best joke ever. ready?
Obama is going to make everything better.:rofl_200:

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Cattle Guards​

For those of you who have never traveled to the West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.​

A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately.

Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they should be given six months of retraining.

Passed on to you without further comment.​

​

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

SCAM WARNING !

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money.
Pass this on, so others don't get burned.

 

[vmaxride06]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

 

[vmaxride06]

In Washington DC an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the Church and the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The House and Senate waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected."

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Reid's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy Pelosi spoke.

"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after Our Lord Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Reid.
"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

 

[nd4topspd]

so the wife says what am I doing today I says nothing she says thats what you did yesterday I says but I didn't finish