The Joke thread!

[RagingMain]

so the wife says what am i doing today i says nothing she says thats what you did yesterday i says but i didn't finish

amen!!!

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States

 

[nd4topspd]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States

:rofl_200::clapping::worthy::rofl_200:

 

[98Redlne]

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

 

[maleko89]

Don't "F" with graphic designers at work.

http://buttonz75.wordpress.com/2010/06/30/why-never-to-ask-favours-from-the-designers/

 

[Lew L]

Remember when they said the same things about our last president????

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.


The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think
25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay
Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! --Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. --Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman

 

[maleko89]

Ha, all politicians suck.. They can all...**** OFF!

 

[dannymax]

Ha, all politicians suck.. They can all...**** OFF!

Haha!! Don't hold back Mark-o, tell us how you REALLY feel!! :rofl_200:

 

[Jack Butler]

Why NOT end a sentence with a preposition?

On Harolds 65th birthday, he got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation, who
was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
shaman, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine, and it must
be respected."

"You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1, 2, 3'."

"When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been
in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

He was highly encouraged.

As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from
working?"

"Your partner must say '1, 2, 3, 4'.", the shaman responded.

"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. "

He was eager to see if it worked.

He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then
invited his lovely wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1, 2, 3!".

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

She who must be obeyed was so excited that she began throwing off her clothes.

And then she asked, "What was the 1, 2, 3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition.
​

 

[Jack Butler]

A man's wife had been in a coma for over 2 months.
Every day he'd visit her, and talk to her.
One day, one of the nurses mentioned to him, that when she gave his wife her daily bed bath, that the monitors seemed to get active when her privates were washed.
The nurse suggested that perhaps if he would give her oral sex, it might bring her out of the coma.
He was very sceptical..."Do you really think it will help her?", he asked, but the nurse reassured him that he could close the curtains and maintain their privacy. She assured him that they would watch the monitors from the nuring station, to see if there was any response.

So he closed the curtains, and after a few minutes the monitors went flat-line. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
The nurse rushed in, and asked "What happened?!?"





"I dunno" he said..."I think she choked".
​

 

[dannymax]

That's SICK!!!!

I laughed my ass off!!! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[naughtyG]

hahahahha that shaman one was so classic too!

 

[Bill Kratzenberg]

7 degrees of Blonde


FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.


The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said


'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'


The wife answered, 'I don't know,

some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'





SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.


She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.


The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'


So, the first blonde hands her the compact.


The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'






THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun.


She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.


Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.


She takes the gun and puts it to her head.




The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'




The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'







FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.


She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'


A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'


The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy.....it's W.'







FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'





SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class
.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.

Wade was about.



Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'






SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.


She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.


The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned.



'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,
and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

 

[Jack Butler]

...My Point Exactly

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ?Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season...

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun...?

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Ray Stevens does it again, would be even funnier if it weren't true.
http://budurl.com/cometotheusa

 

[Rollie]

Give Tiger a Break ! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Jack Butler]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[Jack Butler]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
​

 

[Slacker]

http://www.cycleconnections.com/articledetail.asp?TypeID=18&ID=2145

 

[vmaxride06]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.