The Joke thread!

[Blackjack]

Mother-in-law

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[Blackjack]

Rafting Trip

Jeanne Robertson​

This lady just gets better on every Video.​

Here is one that I had not seen called,​

*​

Don?t Go Rafting Without A Baptist In The Boat​

Click:​

"Rafting with the Baptists"​

http://remarkablewrinklies.com/2010/jeanne-robertson-dont-go-rafting-without-a-baptist-in-the-boat/ ​

 

[jfeagins]

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. Not only is business booming, he says Prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Lew L]

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Blackjack]

This really is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!!!

 

[Blackjack]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure, called a vasectomy, that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me."


"Trust me," said the doctor, "it works."

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

 

[Blackjack]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

 

[Blackjack]

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl "How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank
you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[Redbone]

Obama.

 

[jfeagins]

Obama.

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:


Oh wait, that jokes' on us....

 

[CustomMax]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink as he's waiting he notices a very large jar stuffed with ten dollar bills " what's the jar of money for" he asks "well says the bartender there's 3 tests and if you pass them all you get the money" the man then asks" what's the tests" no says the bartender" you gotta pay the ten bucks to find out" so the man gives the bar tender the ten bucks. "ok says the bartender here they are" the first test is " you have to chug this whole bottle of pepper tequila straight down without stopping" the second test is there's a pitbull out back with a toothache and you gotta pull it" the third test is" theres a ninety year old woman upstairs who's never been sexually satisfied, you gotta make things right with her" the mans says "forget that" so after a while he has a few and walks back to the bar and says " gimme the tequila" so he chugs it straight down and with tear rolling down his face he says " ok the dogs next" so then they hear all this noise and screaming coming from out back and then total silence. They all figure he's dead when all of a sudden the doors bursts open and the man yells" ok where's that old broad with the toothache"

 

[Blackjack]

While I was flying down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the speed limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?? To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah" said the policeman, what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher, I responded. The policeman stammered, "A what"? A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well, I said, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide".

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?"

To which I politely replied!

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: PRICELESS

 

[Blackjack]

An important letter from Santa


I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a fewdifferences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presentsfrom Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children
leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so pleasehave anempty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus'
fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when
Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hearBubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
yourwife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presentsunder the tree.

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus

 

[Blackjack]

Thibodeaux @ Sugar Bowl


Thibodeaux had 50 yard line tickets for the Sugar Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Mais, no", says Thibodeaux, "Dat seat be empty, yeah." "That's incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Sugar Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year for LSU, the SEC champions, the first time since 1987 they make it to the Sugar Bowl, and then not use it?" Thibodeaux says, "Dat seat belong wit me, yeah. I wuz comin' wit my wife, but she done pass on. Dis de first LSU football game we didn't came wit each udder since we bin married in 1960." "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? Thibodeaux shakes his head sadly.

"No, dey all at de funeral."

 

[Blackjack]

An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."



The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."



The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.



The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."



The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. " The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.



The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton"



The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"



The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."



The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow."

 

[Blackjack]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says,
"Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[Blackjack]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop
said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse."

 

[Dreamster66]

The Joke thread! Those Packer Fans!

Two Large Plastic Garbage Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Lambeau Field parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."

 

[Blackjack]

Good one:clapping:

 

[Slacker]

Police Do Care!

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that
they don't care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that
category.
The Joplin, Mo. Police Department reported finding a man's body last
Saturday in the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The dead man's
name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while
visiting "someone" in Riverton, KS. He was wearing black fishnet
stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G - string, purple lipstick, and an
Obama T - shirt.
The police removed the Obama T shirt to spare his family any unnecessary
embarrassment.