The Joke thread!

[nd4topspd]

good one Slacker

 

[2stangs69-91]

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked these out on Snopes and they really,
really work!!!


AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP THEM.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO
USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

[Maxnos1198]

Ten yr. old boy ask his Dad the difference between Reality and Potential , the dad tries to explain and the little boy says I still don't get it . So his dad say's go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million $ , he ask her and mom says why yes all excited , I would love to sleep with him. Confused by the answer the boy goes to his dad , dad says well what did mom say? Little boy she said yes!. Dad do you understand now? Little boy still say's no. Ok go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million$ , so he ask his sister and she is ecstatic about it. Oh yes I would love to be Brad Pitts lover and sleep with him !!!. Little boy walks away again & back to his Dad , dad say's well do you know now? Boy say's No again , finally his dad said go ask your brother if he would sleep with Micheal Jackson for a million & , so he ask his older brother and the brother replies well I am not Gay but a million bucks , I could buy a new truck and motorcycle and home stereo yeah I would sleep with him, little boy looks at his brother and walks away back to his dad . dad say's Ok now do you know the difference between Reality & potential ? Little boy thinks for a minute and says I think I got it, Dad say well ?? boy says we have the potential to be 3 million dollars richer but In reality I live with 2 sluts and a ******!.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Interesting Statistic

Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently many of the Islamic terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.

 

[RaWarrior]

This one's a bit geeky university humor, since our school is split between engineering and business majors and engineers love to make fun of business students. Still think it's pretty clever though.



Three engineers and three accountants were about to take a train on a business trip. One by one, each of the three accountants bought a ticket at the counter for themselves. After a brief discussion, one of the engineers went to the ticket window and ordered one ticket. The other two engineers did not buy tickets.

The accountants watched as all three engineers boarded the train with one ticket between them. Curious, the properly ticketed accountants boarded the same car as the engineers. They just had to see what the engineers would do to keep from getting kicked off the train.

A short while after the train left the station, just before the conductor entered the car, all three engineers got up and climbed into one bathroom compartment. When the conductor passed through the car, after he punched all three of the accountants' tickets, he knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The bathroom door opened barely a crack, just far enough for a hand to pass the conductor the single ticket. The conductor punched it, handed it back, and moved on to the next car on the train. With the conductor safely moved on, the engineers returned to their seats.

The accountants were truly impressed by the simplicity of this little trick, and decided to try it on the return trip. So, when the time came to buy their tickets, they chose one guy to buy just one ticket instead of three. They were then amazed when the engineers boarded the train with out buying ANY tickets.

The accountants couldn't wait to see how the engineers would pull off this one. They all sat in the same car again, and the train again left the station. When they saw the conductor approaching their car this time, the accountants all climbed into one bathroom compartment and closed the door, and the engineers all climbed into the other bathroom, right across the aisle.

After a moment, one engineer left the bathroom, knocked on the accountants' bathroom door and said,

"Ticket, please!"

 

[Blackjack]

A nun was traveling to Chicago by air. She sat down at the gate waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw a weight machine that tells your weight and fortune. She thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in her quarter. Out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128lbs, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in another quarter. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb; you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle.

" The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and began playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again.

" Back to the machine. She put in another quarter and the card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life." Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again.

" She went to the machine, put in a quarter, and collected the card. It said,” You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lb.,you have fiddled and farted around, and now you missed your plane to Chicago."

 

[Blackjack]

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him
and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.


"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.


"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary
Lou written on it," she replied.


"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.


"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."


Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet,
which knocked him out cold.


When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"


She replied, "Your horse called".

 

[Blackjack]

Jesse Jackson and Tragedy!

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to Words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who Lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 Children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. Jackson were Struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell the class why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great
loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

[Blackjack]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheatd on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I pay the bills, and since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

"Dump him"! You're a New York Senator now; you don't need him anymore

 

[Blackjack]

There is no arguing with this cowboy's logic.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the Sierra Club had a more "humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service.

The ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwing' our sheep - they're eating' 'em"

 

[Blackjack]

Fart Football

The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score"

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says , "Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 

[Blackjack]

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his
full beard.

"Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

Yes , there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him! to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers ........ ,

"There is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[Blackjack]

Subject: Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, ! Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at WalMart.

 

[Blackjack]

[FONT=&quot]We have to stop cutting down trees.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]This is getting serious.[/FONT]

http://www.sodahead.com/fun/we-must-stop-cutting-down-trees---this-is-getting-serious/blog-292624/

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Ever wonder why roach clips are called "roach clips"?
.
.
.
.
Because "pot holder" was already taken.

 

[RaWarrior]

 

[Theemax]

''In a surprise decision, President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Friday. In other premature awards this week: high school football player Billy Reynolds has been named this year's Heisman Trophy winner; fifth grader Amber Collins has been named Miss America; and nine-year-old Dylan Holt has been named People's 'Sexiest Man Alive.''' ?Seth Meyers :rofl_200:

 

[BIGMO]

This EBAY listing is ****** hilarious. Ya gotta read the comments at the end.


http://tinyurl.com/27j5y6p



http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/e...166384238&satitle=400153979748&fvi=1&viewitem

 

[Dreamster66]

thats funny ****!

 

[BIGMO]

http://reno.craigslist.org/mcy/1973887421.html