The Joke thread!

[Rayvin53]

Plus, I think that damn statue and quotation was the worst joke ever that the Frenchies could have played on us....

The statue didn't come from the French with the inscription--it was added in 1903 and is a poem by Emma Lazarus, inspired mainly by the persecution of Jews in Russia and Europe, basically inviting them to escape their persecution by coming here.

 

[Lew L]

And my grandmother did---pregers with my mom. Just glad both sides of my family got out well before the nazi "terrorists" took over. Now the terrorists just come into a country( just check out the population stats in Europe) and take over from within. Will we let them do it here????

Just check this out!!!
http://makkah.wordpress.com/2009/05...pment-at-the-department-of-homeland-security/

 

[RagingMain]

:hijacked:

 

[Jack Butler]

A crusty old biker on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $1000

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.'

Merry Christmas Everyone!!
Jack

 

[gamorg02]

A crusty old biker on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $1000

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.'

Merry Christmas Everyone!!
Jack

love it!

 

[[email protected]]

The cheeseburger one is good!

I liked this one too.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant. And there's a gorgeous redhead sitting​

At the next table. He's been checking Her out since he sat down, but lacks The nerve ​

to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and ​

her glass Eye comes flying ​

out of its socket toward​

The man. He reflexively ​

reaches out, Grabs it ​

out of the air, and ​

hands it Back. ​

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman Says as she pops ​

her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner ​

to make it​

Up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, And afterwards they go to theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh,​

She shares her deepest ​

dreams and he ​

Shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, ​

she asks Him if he would ​

like to come to her place​

For a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she ​

cooks a gourmet Meal with ​

all the trimmings.. The guy is ​

Amazed. Everything had ​

been SO incredible!​

"You know," he said, "you ​

Are the perfect woman, ​

are you This nice to every ​

guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...



Wait for it. .



It's coming. .



The suspense is killing ​

you, isn't it?​

​

​

​

She says...​

​

​

"You just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)​

 

[dannymax]

The cheeseburger one is good!

I liked this one too.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant. And there's a gorgeous redhead sitting


At the nexttable. He's been checking Her out since he sat down, but lacks The nerve


to talkwith her.

Suddenly she sneezes,and ​

her glass Eye comes flying


out of its socket toward


The man. He reflexively


reaches out, Grabs it


out of the air, and


hands it Back.


"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman Says as she pops


her eye backin place.

"Let me buy your dinner ​

to make it


Up to you," shesays.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, And afterwards they go to theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh,​

She shares her deepest


dreams and he


Shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, ​

she asks Him if he would


like to come to herplace


For a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had awonderful time.

The next morning, she ​

cooks a gourmet Meal with


all the trimmings.. The guyis


Amazed. Everything had


been SO incredible!



"You know," he said, "you


Are the perfect woman,


are you This nice to every


guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...​

Wait for it. . ​

It's coming. .​

The suspense is killing ​

you, isn't it?​

She says...

​

​

​

"You just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)​

I thought for sure this was going to end with him saying "I had a great time, I hope we can meet again!"

And her saying......."Yeah, I'll keep an eye out for you!!"

Alright....alright....:worthy::worthy::worthy:

 

[Jack Butler]

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was,
he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....
... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

 

[Roadracer]

-A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

-Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

-A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

-A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! TURN THEM? NOW! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking, Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[98Redlne]

-A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! TURN THEM… NOW! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking, Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Funny and Sad at the same time but surprisingly right on the money.

 

[Jack Butler]

Dear Help Me: A Hockey Story

Dear Help Me:

I have a dilemma and I hope you can help me.
For quite some time now, I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me.
She has been spending a lot of nights "out with the girls" until the wee hours.
Whenever I ask who was she with, she just says "Girls from work...you don't know them".
Well for the longest time, I really didn't want to know the truth, but in the last couple of weeks she's been out every night and I hardly ever see her.
So, last night I decided I'd wait up for her. She wasn't home by 2:00am so I went to the garage, and hid behind my hockey equipment and waited.
At 3:45 a car pulled up, and she got out. I watched her buttoning up her blouse, and then to my horror she pulled her panties from her purse and slipped them on as she came up the driveway.
As I tried to get a better view between my hockey bag and my stick, I noticed a tiny hairline crack on the carbon fibre shaft of my stick.
Can I get that repaired locally, or should I send it back to the factory?

...he, he.....maybe it's just a Canadian thing?
​

 

[98Redlne]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

 

[vmaxride06]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

 

[vmaxride06]

 

[Jack Butler]

Remembering a great icon

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show buisness, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father,

Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

Please rise to the occasion and pass this on to someone who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.​

 

[vmaxride06]

*/_The Funeral Procession_/**/

/**/
/**/A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.'/*

 

[vmaxride06]

Anybody who has used tools of any kind can relate to these
definitions...
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench at the speed of light and never to be found again. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in
your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund check... The list goes on.
"Son of a bitch" TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[RaWarrior]

Here's one for Geek Law....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEuzxC4eGc


That video was actually made by Triumph, I guess trying to cash in on the "viral video" marketing trend now.

 

[vmaxride06]

*With tax season approaching I thought you all might appreciate this.
*
** * * * * * *
*

*At the end of the tax year, the local IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after putting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions that you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
*

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

After the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I noticed numerous bad jokes on the internet by people defaming Cajuns as `not too smart'. Let me state categorically I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody who builds a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fills it with Democrats is a genius.