The Joke thread!

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What is the difference between jam and marmalade?


I can't marmalade my cock down some girl's throat.

LOL :rofl_200: :rofl_200:

 

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replacement windows
>
> last year i replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, i got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and i still hadn't paid for them.
>
> hellloooo,...........just because i'm blonde doesn't mean that i am automatically stupid.
>
> so, i told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in one year these windows would pay for themselves!
>
> helllooooo? It's been a year, i told him!
>
> there was only silence at the other end of the line, so i finally just hung up. He never called back.
>
> i'm sure he felt like an idiot.

 

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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG!)




A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)













The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!)

 

[naughtyG]

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

Really? ;-)

 

[max_caper]

Say the following line out loud to a friend (it may take a couple of tries before you get it):

Eye yam sofa king wee Todd did

Blaine

 

[gamorg02]

blaine. don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[[email protected]]

Say the following line out loud to a friend (it may take a couple of tries before you get it):

Eye yam sofa king wee Todd did

Blaine

Pretty much the same as this one.

EYE SEW FULL KING WE TALL DEAD

We told my grandma to say it three times fast. Don't think, just read it quick.... She kept doing it over and over and over saying she didn't get it while the whole family was laughing so hard, tears were coming out. She was getting angry that she couldn't get what was so funny than all of a sudden a light come on and she says OOOhh. And then she started cracking up.

Her and my pap still talk about that.

 

[max_caper]

blaine. don't be too hard on yourself.

LOL! Saw that one before, huh?

Blaine

 

[ghostntheshell]

I wish my lawn was emo, then it'd cut itself.

 

[98Redlne]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[98Redlne]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

 

[98Redlne]

OK, last one......

Three male Labradors, 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black... were sitting in a waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.' The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.
'They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said.... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped'

 

[RagingMain]

Dude that is wrong, just dead wrong. Funny as hell though :biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

 

[vmaxride06]

*Doesn't matter how old men get...lol*


Chicken Wire
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the
old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken
wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of
round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and
to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the
unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.


Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on
the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

 

[CaptainKyle]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennessians and West Virginians will no longer be referred t o as'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore,​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'​

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'​

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'​

0D

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'​

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'​

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST PROVIDER.'​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'​

< /div>

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'​

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
(my personal favorite ​

0A

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'​

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)​

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'​

 

[bheinz57]

There are three kinds of people in the world...

Those who can count and those who can't

Brian

 

[98Redlne]

Actually I heard there were 10 kinds of people

Those who know binary and those who don't :biglaugh:

 

[98Redlne]

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

 

[RagingMain]

What is Ed macmahon, Farah Fawcett, Billy Mays, and Michael Jackson getting for christmas?
















Patrick Swayze

Little early on this one.

 

[Redbone]

Funny song with a twist on visual censorship.
http://www.vimeo.com/1146413