The Joke thread!

[naughtyG]

Bwwaaaahahahahahahaaaa.... sad but true eh!

 

[Jack Butler]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle and developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to %&*# off.

 

[dannymax]

No......I am not a lesbian.....


I worked with a guy who said he was a lesbian trapped in a man's body......


We all kinda' laughed and said "yeah us too":biglaugh:


He is now a she.....and a lesbian......




no....no thanks...nope ...not a lesbian:confused2:



TRUE STORY........NO SHIT

THAT is very confusing!!

All that trouble to get where he/she was in the first place.........I think.....? :confused2::ummm::confused2:

 

[Mr. Pickles]

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so.

It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.

She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's!"

 

[gunrunner]

Was talking to my mate Mick the other day and he was in the shit with his missus after she asked him where he was taking her for Mothers Day .
Apparently Up the Arse wasnt the correct answer .

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:unk:

 

[kaboom]

THAT is very confusing!!

All that trouble to get where he/she was in the first place.........I think.....? :confused2::ummm::confused2:

I have no idea......absolutely true story tho.....:confused2:

 

[maleko89]

Cowboy: "That your dog?

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?"
(Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice
a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?"
(Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking,
he rides me, brushes me down often
and keeps me in a lean-to to protect
me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

​

 

[dannymax]

Cowboy: "That your dog?

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?"
(Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice
a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?"
(Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking,
he rides me, brushes me down often
and keeps me in a lean-to to protect
me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

​

BaaaaHaaaaa!!! Good one Mark-o!! You can see that coming but it's funny anyway!! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[vmaxride06]

*Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls'** **and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting cries of.. 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH...Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!' *

* This went on all night long. *

* In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' **
** The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection.' **
** The second dwarf shook his head.*
* ''You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."*

 

[maleko89]

I thought of Redbone when reading this.

During church service the small children were invited to
stand up in front and to say a short prayer to ask for help
for something for anyone besides for themselves...below is
one of those heartfelt sweet prayers:

Dear God:

This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer.

AMEN

 

[Redbone]

I thought of Redbone when reading this.

During church service the small children were invited to
stand up in front and to say a short prayer to ask for help
for something for anyone besides for themselves...below is
one of those heartfelt sweet prayers:

Dear God:

This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer.

AMEN

WHEW! That's not me Mark, I do not have kids...If I did I would have to be a multi billionaire just to dress all the babes without clothes that are in my computer!:rofl_200::rofl_200:
Clothing them would be a damn shame though!:bang head:

 

[jedi-]

One of my favorites,

 

[vmaxride06]

Seven Kinds Of Sex ....
>
> The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
> This kind of sex happens when you first meet
> someone and you both have sex until you are
> blue in the face..
> The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex..
> This is when you have been with your partner for
> a short time and you are so needy you will have
> sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
>
> The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
> This is when you have been with your partner for a
> long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
> usually have sex only in your bedroom.
>
> The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway
> Sex.
> This is when you have been with your partner for too
> long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
> both say ... 'Fuck You.'
>
> The 5th kind of sex is called .... Religious Sex.
> Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
> afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
>
> The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
> This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
> takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
>
> And . Last . But not least ....
>
> The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
> You get a little each month.. But not enough to enjoy your self.

 

[vmaxride06]

Big Fan of the Hulk.. Thought I would share:biglaugh:

 

[Sheldontoxicman]

Big Fan of the Hulk.. Thought I would share:biglaugh:

NICE!:clapping:

 

[Jack Butler]

[SIZE=+1]'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Police Officers descend on Jack's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, Buddy!'

That, is knowing how to "get'er done!

[/SIZE]

 

[i_was_here1st]

A boss was working hard at his desk when he got a call from his employee Bill. Bill tells the boss that hes sick today and wont be coming in. "Ok, take it easy" says the boss who then proceeds on to finish his day.

Later that day, at the super market, the boss think to himself "Bill live close to here, ill check in on him" So he drives over to Bills house. At arriving, he notices the door be left open a strange noise is coming from inside. So he pushes the door open and follow the sound to Bills bedroom.

Fearing the worst, he opens the door to see bill have sex with a elderly women. 'What the hell, i though you were sick!" Screams the boss. To which Bill replies " I am sick, this is my mom"

 

[Jack Butler]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing", she asked?

"Hunting flies", he responded.

So, then she says, "Did you get any"?

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He laughs, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!

 

[Jack Butler]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position , still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[dannymax]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
​

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
​

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of eachday observing the workers.
​

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
​

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
​

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
​

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'
​

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
​

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock...'
​

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it
​

​