The Joke thread!
- Thread starter Bill Kratzenberg
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Foxviewnet
Well-Known Member
A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair. :git: An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I made love to a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
Rollie
Well-Known Member
:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200: I've suspected this for quite some time!! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:
Rollie
Well-Known Member
THE POLICE REALLY DO CARE
The Richland Police report finding a man's body in the Columbia River, near the confluence
of the Yakima River, at Columbia Park.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The Police really do care !
From the Police Report
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick,
and a ‘Hillary for President' T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Hillary T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
The Richland Police report finding a man's body in the Columbia River, near the confluence
of the Yakima River, at Columbia Park.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The Police really do care !
From the Police Report
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick,
and a ‘Hillary for President' T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Hillary T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
MtnMax/Magniac
Well-Known Member
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Rollie
Well-Known Member
Rollie
Well-Known Member
So...I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dogs. While at the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in the intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *** and got hit by a car. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard...
Foxviewnet
Well-Known Member
That there is funny, I don't care who ya are! BAAAAAHAHA:yelrotflmao:!
Rollie
Well-Known Member
Foxviewnet
Well-Known Member
And if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor....chuckle, chuckle, chuckle!
Rollie
Well-Known Member
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Rollie
Well-Known Member
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
Miles Long
Well-Known Member
I finally got it figured out.
I took down my Rebel flag (which
you can't buy on E-bay any more),
Tossed the "Don't Tread on Me" flag, and
peeled the NRA sticker off
The front door.
I gave the pit bull to my mother-in-law and stored my
AK-47. I
Disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-***
neighborhood
Watch.
Instead of all that silly stuff, I bought two Pakistani
flags and put
One at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the
black flag
Of ISIS (which you CAN buy on E-bay) and ran it up the flag
pole.
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland
Security,
Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house
24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer, and I'm saving $69.95 a month
that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for my family. When we shop or travel,
everyone
Moves out of the way, and security can't pat us down
(profiling, you
Know).
Hot Damn! Safe at
last!
I took down my Rebel flag (which
you can't buy on E-bay any more),
Tossed the "Don't Tread on Me" flag, and
peeled the NRA sticker off
The front door.
I gave the pit bull to my mother-in-law and stored my
AK-47. I
Disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-***
neighborhood
Watch.
Instead of all that silly stuff, I bought two Pakistani
flags and put
One at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the
black flag
Of ISIS (which you CAN buy on E-bay) and ran it up the flag
pole.
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland
Security,
Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house
24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer, and I'm saving $69.95 a month
that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for my family. When we shop or travel,
everyone
Moves out of the way, and security can't pat us down
(profiling, you
Know).
Hot Damn! Safe at
last!
The Male Cycle
-When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with ********.
-When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with ********, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
-In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
-When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
-When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
-When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
-I'm older and wiser now,.....and I'm looking for a girl with ********
-When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with ********.
-When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with ********, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
-In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
-When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
-When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
-When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
-I'm older and wiser now,.....and I'm looking for a girl with ********
Rollie
Well-Known Member
Rollie
Well-Known Member
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
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