The Joke thread!

[Blackjack]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says,
"Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[Blackjack]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop
said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse."

 

[Blackjack]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[шульц.]

-Girl, and you have a guy there?
- No ...
"How? " For such a smart, sophisticated, sexy girl no guy!
-died, *****, from happiness ..


IF A GIRL IN THE EYES Iskra, means "cockroach" in head CELEBRATE!

 

[minicopilot]

How much Cocaine did Charlie Sheen do last week?
Enough to kill Two and a Half Men

 

[RagingMain]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate examination on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse

 

[98Redlne]

That is just wrong......so very wrong......

 

[satariel666]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate examination on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Rand-5107]

I agree with 98Redlne

 

[vmaxjr]

wino is riding on the city bus, wino is broke and got no juice for his pain, suddenly wino see's a little ole lady sitting about five seats in front of him, every minute or so the little ole lady takes a small bottle out of her purse and quickly puts it to her mouth and rapidly returns it to her purse. wino thinks damn she got some hooch and says to himself I Want, so wino edges up seat by seat until the dude sitting by the little ole lady gets up and leaves, wino jumps into the seat beside her, yanks the bottle out of her purse and kills about half of it ... wino looks at little ole lady and says... my god woman that's the worst tasting **** i have ever had what was it ... little ole lady say " I've got tuberculosis and that was my spit up bottle ..........................

 

[vmaxjr]

my wife said she wanted something 9 inches, hard and full of spunk.


so i gave her a sock from under the bed.

 

[Jack Butler]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I?ve heard enough of your stupid *** blonde jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our
full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that little ******* on your knee!"
​

 

[Blackjack]

Hair Removal Story

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: ?Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of
the medicine cabinet.?

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those ?cold wax? kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I?m not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (?Cold
wax,? yeah?right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn?t the best feeling, but it wasn?t too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself?.RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I?m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!?.OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I?ve only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.

I think I may pass out?must stay conscious?must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe?OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy ? a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There?s no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip?it?s not! I touch.
I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake?remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself ?Please don?t let me get the urge to poop My head may
pop off!? What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I?ll run the hottest water I can stand
into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub ? the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment ? I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub?in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn?t melt cold wax.

So, now I?m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It?s a very good conversation starter
?So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!?

There is a slight pause. She doesn?t know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, ?Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha??

She?s laughing out loud by now?I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else?s night. While we
go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I?m pretty sure I?m going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace?. the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It?s sooo painful, but I really don?t care. ?IT WORKS!!

It works !!? I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair?. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE?ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I?m numb by now. Nothing
hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I?m going to try hair color??

 

[Blackjack]

The Dot

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story
.. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether
he has won a convenience store , a gas station , a donut shop, a taxi
cab , or a motel in the United States .


If he finds nothing, he must remain in India to answer telephones and
provide us with technical computer advice.

 

[alorio1]

'Thanks for flying our airline

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

​

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

​

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

​

 

[alorio1]

charity asking me to donate some of my clothes

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to kiss my a$$!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!! ​

 

[Slacker]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly retired Navy Master Chief, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[dannymax]

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah!
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
(And his five rules for a happy life at the bottom.)

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

 

[alorio1]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church ..


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'






This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but calmly replied, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.. :rofl_200:

 

[alorio1]

Survivor Louisiana Style

Survivor Louisiana Style
>
> Due to the popularity of the "Survivor " shows, Louisiana is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Louisiana-Style!"
>
> The 8 contestants will all start in Lake Charles, then drive south to Cameron, east to Grand Chenier, north east to Lake Arthur, thru Gueydan, Kaplan, Abbeville, then they will proceed down Southeast to New Iberia, Franklin, Morgan City then really down south to Cocodrie, from there they will go north to Chauvin, Houma, Thibodaux, Plaquemine, Port Allen, then west on IH-10 through Breaux Bridge, Lafayette then finally back to Lake Charles.
>
> Each will be driving a pink Volvo covered with bumper stickers that read: "I'm a Democrat", "Amnesty for Illegals", "I love Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda and the Dixie Chicks", "Boycott All Seafood", "coonasses talk funny", "stop drilling for oil", "rice is fattening", "chanky chank music sucks", "I voted for Obama", "Hillary in 2012" and.....
> "Im here to confiscate all your guns"....The first one to make it back to Lake Charles alive wins !!!
>
> God Bless Louisiana
> Laissez les bon temps rouler