The Joke thread!

[MtnMax/Magniac]

California

 

[Foxviewnet]

:rofl_200:Love It!

 

[Rollie]

First you must get the pigs out of the creek.....

Isn't it amazing that,
within only one week of Tiger Woods crashing his Escalade, the
press found every woman
with whom Tiger has had an affair
during the last few years?


And, they even
uncovered photos, text messages, recorded phone calls,
etc.!


Furthermore, they not
only know the cause of the family fight, but they even know it
was a wedge from his golf bag that his
wife used to break out the windows in the
Escalade.


Not only that, they
know which wedge!

And, each & every
day, they were able to continue to provide America with updates on
Tiger's sex rehab stay, his wife's divorce settlement figures, as well
as the dates tournaments in which he was to
play.


---------------------------------------

Now Barack Hussein Obama has been in office for over seven years, yet this very same press:
·Cannot find any of his childhood friends or
neighbors;

·Nor find any of Obama's high school or college
classmates;

·Nor locate any of his college papers or
grades;

·Nor determine how he paid for both a Columbia
& a Harvard education;

·Nor discover which country issued his visa to
travel to Pakistan in the 1980's;

·Nor even find Michelle Obama's Princeton thesis on
racism.

They just can't seem to uncover any of
this.

Yet, the public still trusts that same press to
give them the whole truth!

Don't you find that totally amazing ?

NOW TELL
ME THERE IS NO CORRUPTION IN THE
AMERICAN PRESS.


Remember, you cannot get
the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the
creek.

 

[jdeitz1979]

First you must get the pigs out of the creek.....



Isn't it amazing that,

within only one week of Tiger Woods crashing his Escalade, the

press found every woman

with whom Tiger has had an affair

during the last few years?





And, they even

uncovered photos, text messages, recorded phone calls,

etc.!





Furthermore, they not

only know the cause of the family fight, but they even know it

was a wedge from his golf bag that his

wife used to break out the windows in the

Escalade.





Not only that, they

know which wedge!



And, each & every

day, they were able to continue to provide America with updates on

Tiger's sex rehab stay, his wife's divorce settlement figures, as well

as the dates tournaments in which he was to

play.





---------------------------------------



Now Barack Hussein Obama has been in office for over seven years, yet this very same press:

·Cannot find any of his childhood friends or

neighbors;



·Nor find any of Obama's high school or college

classmates;



·Nor locate any of his college papers or

grades;



·Nor determine how he paid for both a Columbia

& a Harvard education;



·Nor discover which country issued his visa to

travel to Pakistan in the 1980's;



·Nor even find Michelle Obama's Princeton thesis on

racism.



They just can't seem to uncover any of

this.



Yet, the public still trusts that same press to

give them the whole truth!



Don't you find that totally amazing ?



NOW TELL

ME THERE IS NO CORRUPTION IN THE

AMERICAN PRESS.





Remember, you cannot get

the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the

creek.

So ******* sad, and true!! I love America, but hate ******** politics. We need a political genocide


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Miles Long]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored silly on a Friday afternoon,

and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.


"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person

to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.


"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is

the question?" asked the teacher.


Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture

to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.


"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thank you miss I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time

off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.


"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..........."

 

[dannymax]

Pretty sharp.....is that little Johnny, no doubt headed for a brilliant career in politics! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[blaxmax]

Fri Sum Kat---:rofl_200:------Killin me Miles

 

[tothemax93]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored silly on a Friday afternoon,

and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.


"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person

to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.


"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is

the question?" asked the teacher.


Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture

to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.


"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thank you miss I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time

off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.


"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..........."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ikOhbuaNyA

 

[Rollie]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and
yelled, "I have a 45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine
plus one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with
my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo!”

 

[DRWard]

Did not read all 93 pages of this thread, so not sure if this one has been posted.

Father of One of My Kids:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

[DRWard]

A woman takes her pet schnauzer to the vet for a problem with its ears. After a lengthy visit of swabbing, shaving and cleaning the inside of its ears he returns with a healthy dog, but a substantial bill.
She asked the vet if there was anything she could do to help prevent this from happening in the future since she would not be able to afford many visits like this one.
The vet told her that the hair growing inside the ears was the main problem that allowed all the ear wax and dirt to accumulate and get infected. She could help prevent this by keeping the dogs ears free of hair. He told her that most over-the-counter hair removal products would do just fine.

The woman left and went to the local drug store. She asked the pharmacist, “What product would be best for hair removal.” The pharmacist told her he just received a shipment of a NEW product that he had in the back. When he returned with the bottle he was reading on the label. He stated, “Lady if you use this for under your arms, it suggest to use a little talcum powder to reduce chaffing.”
The lady stated; “I am not using it for my underarms”.
The pharmacist continued reading, “It says if you use this on your legs then you should use a bit of lotion to prevent irritation.”
Again the lady stated, “I am not using it for my legs.”
Being a little puzzled, “Well then”, stated the pharmacist, “What are you using it on?”
She said, ”I plan to use it on my schnauzer.”
The pharmacist paused for a moment and said, “Well then, all I can suggest is using a little baby oil and not riding a bicycle for a few days.”

 

[Rollie]

True that...

 

[Rollie]

Hitler reacts to Skully Chapter 7 Bankruptcy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkqcpIe9qO8&feature=youtu.be

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Liberal logic[/FONT]
[/FONT]

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I understand the LA Times stopped carrying cartoonist Dixon Diaz. Wonder why?

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.

The following is a recap of my current identity:
I was born white, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.

I am older than 70 and retired, which makes me a useless old person.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!
Newest problem...I'm not sure which bathroom I should use anymore...

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Was Jim Henson psychic? You decide.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful.

When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

She is now running for President of the United States...

 

[Rollie]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

 

[Rollie]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system & getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it!!"